Last week the deadliest mass shooting in American history took place, and the whole country was united in grief. For about 10 minutes. After that, we went back to doing what we do best: shouting at each other. Now, whether you believe that all guns in the world should be dismantled and thrown in the ocean, or you don't care how many people die because some old racist guys said you could have muskets, you're going to have to defend your position. Since forming an actual coherent argument is as dead as moderation and respect in the face of national tragedy, you no longer need to understand things like logic or research or other nerd sh*t. No, all you need to understand is that you're right and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. That being said, here are some helpful tools for making sure other people, especially people online, know just how right you really are.
1. Opinions vs. facts.
The main difference between facts and opinions is pretty clear: Facts can be right or wrong, but everyone is entitled to an opinion. Due to this difference, in an argument, one of the two is clearly the better one to go with. Opinions! See, opinions are clearly superior to facts because you never have to worry about someone telling you your opinion is wrong. Opinions can't be wrong, therefore, someone who makes an argument completely out of opinions is never wrong. Realizing this leads you to one of the most powerful rhetorical devices used in modern arguments; stating opinions as if they were facts. As an example, let's say we want to posit that mass shootings like this are mainly a Muslim extremism problem and not a guns problem.
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Well obviously, since most mass shootings in this country have not been linked to any sort of extremist group, you can't rely on those pesky facts to change your opinion of what's really going on. So just start off your argument with a strong statement like, "Guns aren't the problem in this country, it's Muslim people." Some people might just agree with you because you said something they've heard on Fox News before. A good deal of other people will just avoid eye contact and try to go back to whatever they were doing before you engaged them so this will work most of the time, and if you do run into any pesky people who tell you what you've said is factually incorrect you can just shrug and say "hey, it's just my opinion." And never forget, facts presented by other people that go against your argument are always just their opinion.
2. Never logically believe in your position.
A common tool people like to use in arguments is to attack your logic. They think that, for some reason, if the reason you believe something makes absolutely no sense then there's not really a reason for you to believe that. Now, of course, this is stupid on their part since that argument makes sense and they themselves have already proven that you don't believe in things that make sense. The best defense against someone attacking your logic is to not have any logic at all. People who understand why they believe what they believe have already opened themselves up to the possibility of having those beliefs changed through another's superior logic. However, if your beliefs are not rooted in logic and instead just pure faith and sheer force of will your beliefs are stronger than any logic. It doesn't matter how logically, or even empirically wrong your beliefs are, if you still want to believe them, you can. Don't be afraid to fight for them by repeating the same thing over and over again. If your opponent becomes frustrated and stops trying to convince you, that means you're right.
3. If they're wrong about one thing, they're wrong about everything.
Have you ever been told something that sounded right by someone you just knew had to be wrong? I'll give you an example, say a teacher or professor explains the theory of evolution to you. Now, you've never been one for this whole evolution nonsense, but the things he's saying start to make sense. You think to yourself, "Wow, there really does seem to be a lot to this theory, and a scientific theory is well substantiated through research not just thought up out of nowhere. However, I do really wish I could still just not believe it because that's what I prefer." Well, luckily, there is a way out of it.
Begin trying to find something that this person is wrong about, maybe they think aliens built the pyramids, or that Nickelback is a good band. Whatever it is, find this one thing that they are wrong about and use that as evidence that they are wrong about anything else they say. This applies to anyone you are looking to disagree with but have no way of disproving what they're saying. Your girlfriend says you're overbearing and possessive because you follow her everywhere? Well, one time she mixed up "Star Wars" and "Star Trek," so what does she know? Your son explains that you shouldn't use racial slurs? Well when he was six he thought Santa Claus was real, so he can't be right about other things. Doctor says you have diabetes and need to change your diet? Well, he's a Bernie supporter and you'll be goddamned if you're going to let that freedom-hating commie bastard tell you how to live your life.
4. Use patriotism as rhetoric.
I tried to find one of these where the eagle had a bigger dong, because that'd be more American, but apparently that's not how eagles work. Now, despite the flaws in our country, I'd still like to consider myself a patriot. I mean, America is great in a lot of ways. Whether it's the simple things like Wendy's Ghost Pepper fries, or my First Amendment right to say "F*** you Wendy's, I hate you for discontinuing the Ghost Pepper fries," to me there is no other country I'd rather live in. And I think a lot of people here feel the same way. Well, this is super-helpful, because when you begin to argue with someone, you just need to subtly insinuate that if they disagree with you, they hate America. Now, it can be tricky to work this into an argument, but here's a hot tip. You say what you want to say, wait for them to say what they want to say, then halfway through scream, "What do you hate America or something?" See, super-subtle.
5. 9/11 and Hitler are your friends.
OK, maybe there was a better way to phrase that, but I think you understand what I mean. The two most powerful, and definitely not overused, rhetorical devices at your disposal are Hitler and 9/11; however, you have to know how to appropriately use the two. For example, saying, "After 9/11 we fundamentally changed our entire airport security systems, so it only makes sense that we change gun laws after mass shootings," is completely out of the question. See, that falls into the whole logic trap I discussed earlier. No, see, 9/11 or any other tragedy can never be discussed logically. What you have to do is use it as an emotional weapon to guilt people to see your side of things.
So if you're discussing Orlando and mention that Muslims cause all the problems in this country, and someone begins spouting off more dumb facts disproving what you said or call you an Islamophobe, you have two easy steps: One, don't get confused that they're bringing up Islam when you're talking about Muslims, who knows why people always do that. Two, tell them they hate America. See? It's all coming together. Hitler should be used in a similar way when talking about any specific person you disagree with. What's great about this is there is so much more to Hitler than just the genocide thing you can really try and make anyone into Hitler.
Say you don't like Bernie Sanders, well there's a chance that Hitler was part Jewish, Bernie is Jewish, Bernie is Hitler! What about Bob Ross? Well, he paints. You know who else painted? Hitler. The possibilities are endless, anyone you disagree with can be compared to Hitler, and this in no way devalues this comparison in future arguments or is at all disrespectful to those who lost their lives in the Holocaust. Happy arguing everyone!
