When someone hurts you, your first response is not to forgive them, but to hurt them right back. You want them to feel exactly as they made you feel. I know I am guilty of holding grudges against people for months, years even, because I want them to know how it feels being treated unkindly. But, prolonging conflict only hurts both sides. The only thing that can heal a broken relationship and make the world a better place is forgiveness, despite the hurt that you may feel. Forgiveness, though, is one of the hardest things to initiate, so here are five steps to make it a bit easier.
1. Reevaluate the situation.
This is important. Sometimes people hurt us or say things without realizing its impact. This does not excuse them from what they did, but it allows you to look at the situation from a different perspective. Maybe they said what they did because they love you and care about you. Could they have gone about it in a different way? Possibly. You'll never know until you try and see the conflict through their eyes.
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2. Talk it out.
This is probably the most vital part of the forgiveness process. Talk it out with them, and try and see where they're coming from or their intent behind what they said or did. Believe it or not, misunderstanding is often the root of conflict. By talking with the person you're in conflict with, you can see hear their side without it being muddled by fresh emotion.
3. Step back.
Instead of spending your time worrying about the conflict, or losing sleep over it, step back and take a break. This can be a challenge, but taking your mind off of what's happening might change your perspective or give the other person an opportunity to make amends. Also, the more you overanalyze the situation, the more skewed it becomes. The last thing you want to do is to make the situation worse.
4. Write them a letter.
Are there a million things you want to say but don't know how? Write 'em down. Pull out a piece of paper and write everything you're feeling. Let the person you're in conflict know how much they hurt you, and then seal it and either give it to them, or put it in the recycling. Writing in a journal or diary has proven to help those going through hard times. There is something magical about putting pen to paper. You might even learn that a lot of what you're feeling is not a 100% true to the situation.
5. Say "I'm sorry."
Conflict takes two. A way to help you forgive someone is to recognize the part you played in the conflict. Maybe you said something that wasn't kind or responded in a way that made things worse. By saying "sorry", you're helping yourself realize that the conflict is not solely because of one person's actions. This not only helps you become a better person, but it also makes the world a tiny bit kinder.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do, especially in a culture of social media where one's conflict can be broadcasted across wavelengths. But, a lot of what is happening in our world can be solved with conversation and the willingness to forgive those who have caused us pain. It is not easy, but it is so worth it.
