As insomniacs know all too well, being unable to fall asleep is a lot more than just tossing, turning and asking yourself why you can’t sleep. Frankly, most of us gave up on answering that question a long time ago because if we knew the answer, we would be sleeping. Therefore, our minds turn to other things. There seems to be a sequential order of the mind games and questionable life decisions we end up making, which can be conveniently summed up into five stages of sleeplessness:
1. The fact that other people are going to bed right now is actually comical
Bedtime for some, but still very early for insomniacs. At this point, we are probably still doing homework or getting a start on the laundry we haven’t done in 3 weeks. We wouldn’t dare joke about trying to fall asleep right now, but we may make a sarcastic dig or two at those who are successfully calling it a day. We finish a few assignments and happily proceed to Stage 2.
2. An obliged attempt at normality
The last of the roommates are going to bed, and we feel obligated to do the same. The problem is, we are not at all tired, so we make a desperate first attempt at getting our brains out of their natural state of overdrive. The success rate of pretty much anything we choose to do at this stage is inevitably pretty low, but hey, at least an attempt is being made. Go-tos include reading a book you’ve read a thousand times before or watching a nature documentary on Netflix. Sleep almost never comes out of this stage, but we give ourselves an A for effort and proceed to Stage 3.
3. When in doubt, psychoanalyze everything
Okay, so the nature documentary was actually pretty interesting. Or maybe we had one too many lattes today. Either way, sleep is still not quite on the radar. However, this is also the point where things usually take a turn into the realm of questionable life decisions. Go-tos here include overanalyzing a social situation from a day where awkwardness was at an all-time high, drafting texts to your ex that you’ll probably never send and diving deep into the depths of Facebook to determine the name of the guy you saw on the bus today that smiled at you but that you’re not sure whether you actually know or not. This stage can go on for hours. If it’s a good night, sleep commences sometime during this stage. Yay!
Had a latte an hour ago, or found an emotional trigger in those deep delves of Facebook? Proceed to Stage 4.
4. Productivity sounded good in theory
At this point, a good night’s sleep is physically impossible. You conclude that if your body isn’t going to let you sleep, you might as well get ahead on next week’s readings or edit that paper due in a few days! Unfortunately, this stage often quickly turns into the realization that while your body is not ready to quit for the day, your brain did so hours ago. Proceed to Stage 5.
5. The panic before sunrise
All bets are off at this stage. You’ve tried everything, you’re overly angry at whoever came up with the idea of counting sheep and you’re now in a race against the rising sun. At this point, most of us revert back to stage 3 until we finally fall asleep, but this stage can bring with it some exceptionally poor life decisions. Perhaps you actually send the text to your ex (and god forbid they respond, at which time all hope is lost and you can pretty much bank on not sleeping at all). Or maybe you decide to evaluate all of your poor life decisions, and settle on the idea of dropping out and working a third-shift factory job, because at least then your insomnia could be put to good use, right? Perhaps the only redeeming factor of Stage 5 is that 95% of the time, it ends in FINALLY falling asleep.
Rest well, insomniacs.
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