Wild Thoughts by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna and Bryson Tiller

First on the list is Wild Thoughts by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna and Bryson Tiller. This song was my anthem for the summer going into freshman year of college. It came out while I was in this program called AAP. That program was one that could not be forgotten if I tried. It was filled with so much drama and laughter you would think the people I met in 5 weeks I knew since 5 months. We all became so close and attached. It doesn't matter that most of us went our separate ways or may not keep in contact, because that summer was one of intense development and happiness for me. My whole life I was exposed to people who I didn't connect to. People who were afraid to express themselves and be silly, or had never faced a struggle in their whole lives. They lacked compassion, empathy, and quite frankly personality. There were people in AAP that showed me what it meant to meet people that were the embodiment of walking sunshine. Each person was so unique and we all had our irritating quirks, however I can honestly say there was something I loved and admired within each of them.

The best things in life are not able to last, but my memory of dancing around like a freed animal previously caged for weeks to this song will never be able to fade. I do not look back and cringe at all the questionable choices I made and things I said while finding myself throughout this program. If it weren't for AAP I wouldn't have met my best friend, someone who it seems strange to think was ever existing apart from me. If it weren't for AAP I wouldn't have met my roommate during the program, who though at first scared the absolute daylights out of me, became someone I aspire to be more like. To sustain an authentic self love and confidence built from strife and sorrow, rather than misplacement of anger on myself. Yes, a song like Wild Thoughts reminds me of these blessings.

By Starlight by The Smashing Pumpkins

Second is By Starlight by The Smashing Pumpkins. My junior year of high school I was laying down in my barn (no I was not just chilling with cows and chickens, my mom's boyfriend built a living room in there) and listening to the album Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness. When this song came on it was like my soul was being directly spoken to for the first time. I found it to be so beautiful, like the lyrics were taken from my heart and written down in legible form. I vowed that I would try not to listen to it ever again until I fell in love with someone. I tend to attach love songs I listen to to the people I have feelings for at the time, so I knew that this special of a song deserved to be attached to just as special of a person. I have fought the urge to listen to it many times, so whoever I fall in love with, my god I hope you're worth it.

Down With The Sickness by Disturbed

Third is Down With The Sickness by Disturbed. My senior year of highschool my two best friends were named Morgan and Meghan. I was so fed up with school and everyone I had known since what seemed like my birth, I always wanted to just escape and find something new. Find a thrill that woke me up from the Groundhog Day that was my life. We would all always hang out and go wherever, typically resulting in weird adventures or reckless occurrences. Birds of a feather flock together, and I am out of my mind, so it was only natural my friends were just as fucked up. My favorite part of our nights together was actually the car rides. It was so simple, but being in the back seat and listening to Morgan's playlists gave me such peace of mind. One night she played this song. It sounded like it was the kind of anthem to play on loop in the background of one's nightmares. It was aggressive, blasting, and shouted lyrics that encouraged the listener to not deny the sickness rising in them and that "madness is the gift that has been given to me".

There is a part where the singer is seemingly having a psychotic breakdown and states amidst the rest of the profane lyrics directed at his mom, "You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore". Nice. It was filthy and twisted and pushing boundaries that most would insist should not be touched. And it couldn't have been any more relatable to how I felt. Like I just wanted to say fuck it all and scream my head off. Scream at everyone that made me feel like my life wasn't mine to live, but a mere cog in the machine, forced to go to classes that provided no purpose and engage in small talk with people that didn't matter. Become so acquainted with the darkness that it made me crack up. We were twisted. And I couldn't have pictured my senior year without these car rides. Without this song blaring from Morgan's car as we rolled the windows down and banged our heads to the chaotic rhythm.

Robbers by The 1975

Fourth is Robbers by The 1975. I had always been a huge fan of this band, their songs providing me with an electricity I could not explain with words. Each song made me feel infinite. Like I would be young forever if I just listened to Matty Healy's mesmerizing albums. It wasn't until an ordinary day in my dorm room that this song in particular, the feeling I got when I listened to it, was put into words I understood. My freshman year my roommate Lexi (also my current roommate), was listening to Robbers while laying in the bunk beneath me. It was late at night and she had been watching the video and stated, "The words 'You look so cool" will never mean the same thing to me ever again". And I felt that. Every time I hear this song, I am transported to the moment she uttered this phrase, and when the song begins to reach its end and these lyrics come alive, I can't help but think of her. And that small dorm room. And being 18. And searching for someone who looked "so cool".

Hunger Strike by Temple Of The Dog

Last on the list is Hunger Strike by Temple Of The Dog. When I was younger my mom and I shared an iCloud, therefore all the songs she downloaded ended up on my iPod. One minute there would be artists like Justin Bieber in the shuffle and then the next thing I knew Bon Jovi was breaking my heart with tales of lost love. One day in particular when I was on the swings this song came on, and I remembered it from my mom blasting it on the stereo when we were kids. Always associating it with my childhood I adored the song each time it came on. However, it wasn't until this summer when my mom and I bonded by laying about and watching endless amounts of 80s and 90s music videos that I truly found an appreciation that ran even deeper. Every time a music video would come on she would point out who was still alive and who died. At first it was comedic in a cryptic way, her calling out "overdose" or "suicide" at least once every video, but when it got to the Temple of the Dog music video and she told me about Chris Cornell, there was nothing laughable about it. His voice was beautiful in the same way his bright blue eyes were. They whispered something to me. His vocals combined with Eddie Vedder's of Pearl Jam reminded me how brilliant music could be. What it meant to exude pure and authentic talent. To captivate people as though you were a star shining way up above in the sky, teaching them what little bits of light meant in the scheme of an otherwise endless mound of darkness. That star was 52 when he hung himself to escape the sky. It made me realize that even at 52, an age where most people realize that there is so much to life, the torture he had felt running through him throughout his life was not just due to angst or inexperience of youth. That I could one day make it all the way through half my life and still feel that the pain was so unbearable I needed to permanently detach myself from the dark thoughts in the same way he did. I began to weep when I watched Eddie Vedder singing the song Black in tribute to his late friend, and as I listened to the lyrics and viewed the sorrow in Eddie's sunken countenance, I couldn't help but feel such a helplessness. One of the greatest shames is that the loveliest people, the most intoxicating people, feel the least warmth.