What's up fellas?
How's your love life?
For real — what does it look like for you? Are you the type of dude who dates around because it's fun, notching tally marks in your headboard like people are actually counting? Or are you the one who's dating a little too seriously, constantly hoping that each consecutive girlfriend could be the one you stay with for good in a way that devastates you every time you break up?
Either way, you're doing it wrong.
See guys, the reason for dating lies somewhere in the middle. Yeah, you're looking for the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, but not flippantly changing your Facebook relationship status once a month. There needs to be some middle-ground intentionality--not in being intentional about getting in bed with her on the first date, not even in forcing marriage (even just in your own mind) from the first date, but in what exactly you do practically in each relationship. What do I mean? We men are terrible at dating and it's about time we fixed it, so here are five things you can do with your next girl or the girl with you now to help take the right steps toward a healthy relationship.
1. Treat her like she's another human being, just like you (because she is, stupid).
I know, you're probably thinking:
2. Be honest.
Guys don't like to talk about feelings, or things that make us openly show feelings. We grow up learning how to be tough, protective, and defensive of what's ours, which leads us to box all our emotions up inside ourselves to stay in there forever until we die and they have no chance to escape. We are really bad at letting our emotions out.
But chances are, your girl will be much more willing to do this than you will, and if she is going to be vulnerable with you, it's worth it to be vulnerable with her. If marriage is a goal you have in life, these conversations need to happen between you and your wife all the time, because keeping things from each other causes separation, so better start practicing now. If you're still dating, this is the only real way to actually get to know each other to the fullest. So open up, be candid with her in a way that you would with your bros. If she's mature and is being as intentional as you are with this relationship, your secrets are safe with her. If she's not mature enough to keep from telling everything you say to her friends, she's not the one, bro. Run.
3. Date intelligently.
If a healthy lifestyle is a big priority of what you're looking for in a woman, chances are you're not going to find the right girl at McDonald's. The same goes for any other characteristic: your girl will not be somewhere that doesn't fit your list (PS you should totally have a list. Check out mine here). This is speaking mostly to Dude Type A (the kind with the notches) but it's also talking to Type B (Mr. Marriage) a little, too. Focusing 100 percent on the wrong thing in a relationship will not lead you to your ultimate goal in it (i.e., that's really stinking dumb, not intelligent at all). And a lot of y'all are doing this.
4. Realize that marriage isn't something to hide from.
College-aged dudes worldwide have this almost laughable fear of marriage. Have you noticed this? While we're in school, a lot of us totally hate the idea of marriage happening anytime soon. Now is the time to live it up and date on our own terms, take home the girls we could never settle down with without an ungodly amount of alcohol (that none of us have the money for) every weekend, and make memories. It's not the time to get tied down to commitments we're not ready to make yet (one dude said it this way: "sleep with all the sports cars you can, but marry the Subaru," which is a quote I'm not very fond of, but it does a great job explaining this point).
Problem is, it's not healthy to date people you wouldn't at least be interested in marrying. It's unhealthy for you and for her. And just to clear the air, I absolutely don't mean that dime you say you'd marry just because you know the sex would be great since she's so hot, that absolutely does not count (and it's a really unfulfilling way to view relationships, just saying). What I mean is, after treating her like a human, getting to know her and being open with her, if you're not at least interested in the idea of marrying her down the road, chances are it's not going to end well for either of you. Somebody's going to get hurt at some point. This doesn't get Dude Type B (Mr. Marriage) off the hook, though. I don't mean make it your focus, just remember it's possible.
#5: Be a gentleman.
Open the door for her. Pull her chair out at the dinner table and guide it back behind her as she sits down. Walk on the road side of the sidewalk instead of putting her there to get hit first (bet you didn't think of that one, but you'll never forget it now). Point is, respect her. You don't do these things because she can't, but so she doesn't have to. How much more convenient is it to walk straight through a door someone is holding open for you than doing the whole thing yourself? How do you feel when someone actually does that for you? At the very least, I'd say appreciated. I know I do. So do it for her. Men have done these things for decades, if not centuries and chivalry is a practice that doesn't deserve to die off.
So there you have it. These things aren't an end-all fix-all solution to your relationship problems, but I guarantee they're a step in the right direction.
My dad has always said, "I've yet to meet the woman who won't live for the man who is willing to die for her." So put on your big boy pants, exercise a little selflessness, be a man, ask her out, and be intentional. You've only got everything to gain.
