Just like every other snotty little first grader, I was taught that there are four seasons: summer, fall, winter, and spring. For years this rang true to me, but this year I'm calling bullshit on whatever kind of lies my first grade teacher fed me. Spring does not exist and here's the proof.

1. It's cold outside.

I know that spring no longer exists because it's been winter for years. First-grade me was promised that once it hit March, the world would thaw and flowers would start popping out of the ground. And yet, it is April and I cannot remember what it feels like to take off this puffy coat and not be immediately struck with hypothermia. And yes, April has brought showers, but I am skeptical about May's flowers because as you see, I've been lied to before.

2. It doesn't smell right.

Spring has that smell, you know? It's clear and cool and a little bit chilly but you don't mind because it promises summer. You don't notice it creep in but then one day you're driving with the windows down and you catch a whiff of it and then just can't stop breathing it in.

3. Your car windows are shut.

Maybe you don't notice the smell because all of your car windows are sealed shut! You can try opening them, sure, but driving with your windows down makes the 50-degree weather we've been blessed with for two straight days now feel like the 30-degree weather that's about to come around. Again.

Maybe if one of your favorite artists would drop a gorgeous spring album that's just made to be played with the windows down, the weather gods would finally take the hint.

4. It's snowing.

We didn't even get this much snow when it was LEGALLY winter. All these snowstorms are turning their assignments in late and sorry, but I don't accept late work. I have a life too, you know.

5. No allergies.

How am I supposed to make fun of all my friends for their excessive sneezing and tissue use now? Spring is the one season out of the year that I have the upper hand on my friends because their eyes are blurry and itchy and they won't come outside because of the pollen, so all that's left is to watch Netflix and take a nap once their Benadryl kicks in. What am I supposed to do now- go outside?