How great is social networking? You can get everything you need out of it: a date, a job, information about your friends, information about your friends’ pets, information about people you wouldn’t consider friends outside of Facebook, information about people you don’t know, news, fake news, funny fake news, funny real news, dog videos, cat videos, videos of people passing out on that big slingshot ride at every amusement park, memes of all shapes and sizes, those webtoon comic things, event planners, notifications for birthdays you forgot about, reviews of local restaurants, reviews of local weed strains (if you’re in a state where it’s legal), articles comparing fast food chicken nuggets, lists of “binge-worthy” shows on Netflix, videos of recipes that go too fast to comprehend but it doesn’t matter because you’ll never actually make that candy bar pie; you’re just hungry, and pie looks good.
This is the part in the sitcom where we go to commercial, and when we come back I’m still listing fun things to find online, but this is not a sitcom, so I will just stop there.
My point is that every time you open up Facebook or Twitter, you get bombarded by all sorts of information. Sometimes it’s important or welcomed like when yet another celebrity dies or when Grandma sends her Christmas eCard a month early. Other times, like comedian Marc Maron says, it may have been better before everyone had a voice.
There are countless “listicles” and poorly written attention-seeking articles full of drivel and misinformation. So naturally, I made a list of my own, a list of five reasons listicles (and related material) need to go away.
1. Cheapy, Cheapy, Cheapy
Most of these pieces look like they were written in an hour and pumped into cyberspace in even less time. They usually consist of short whimsical paragraphs, moderate attempts at humor, and pictures or gifs that are (sometimes) related to the list. They’re meant to be read through quickly so you can keep right on chugging through your news feed since our brains are so wasted anymore that we can’t sit down for more than a few seconds to read anything that isn’t about wizards or sports or Donald Trump’s hair.
2. “News”
Most of the crap spewed out on social media looks pretty much the same. Most links have a picture with a headline, perhaps a sub-headline, and usually the name of the website to which you’ll be sent if you click. Since they all look the same, it can be hard to differentiate between real news, fun opinion-based stuff, and complete bullshit.
The real problem here is the idea of trust. You hear a lot about how much America distrusts the big, bad media, yet we will readily believe almost any information thrown in our faces that isn’t political. We are busy people; we don’t have time to fact-check or even look for cited sources. We just accept it and move on. Who cares if it’s from a career journalist from the Boston Globe or a college kid in his dorm room? It’s all got that same ring of truthiness. And that brings me to my next point.
3. Unprofessional
I recently saw a headline that said “user-generated content” is more trusted by millennials, and I believed it because, you know, number 2. Yes, that big scary ball of enlightenment we've vaguely dubbed “The Media” is not so trustworthy, but I’d rather get my news from someone who is paid to be a journalist than a guy who writes about politics in his pajamas.
Yes, there are plenty of listicles out there that are just trying to be entertaining, and I can get behind that, but when the same sites are trying to promote thought-provoking material about the election, mental illness or social justice, these important articles come across as unprofessional. Additionally, these fun lists are naturally associated with the click-bait listicles from hack sites that are full of spelling and grammatical errors. Seriously, do we not proofread anymore?
4. Exaggerated Titles
Not only are titles sometimes misspelled, they are almost always exaggerated. (e.g. “7 Movies You Have to Watch Immediately” or “13 Breathtaking Cities That Will Blow Your Freakin’ Mind, Man” or “76 Spectacular Foods That Will Literally Rip Your Face Off and Feed It to Your Cats”) Now, I’m all for a good hyperbole, but sometimes it’s just ridiculous.
One example comes from an article and viral video that went around earlier this year. The headline read, “Did This 11-year-old Boy Just Sing ‘Hello’ Better Than Adele?”
No. No, he did not. I’m no music expert, but he was a little flat, had terrible breath support and was annoyingly passionate while singing a song the implications of he almost certainly doesn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong. This kid is great...for an 11-year-old. Let’s be real, though, folks. There is no way he sings better than the remarkable goddess that is Adele.
5. Advertising
Show of hands: Who like ads? Anyone? I may be the odd one out in that I actually like watching commercials. I get a kick out of locals jingles and well-done jokes. For the most part, though, the majority of people would like seeing the obsoletion of ads. Well, listicles are a cesspool of advertisements, especially when each entry in the list is on a separate page that you have to click the blue arrow to find. And it has to be the right blue arrow, too. Click the wrong one and risk being sent to some unknown, virus-ridden site because those sneaky bastards put a lookalike arrow on a link for a weight loss pill that has diet coaches furious.
And every time you click the correct arrow, that cheapy cheap site is just raking in more advertising revenue. Why would you want to give more money to people who pump out “content” that consists of frivolous, talentless pseudo-creativity?
Instead, read articles like this, because my opinions totally matter, and I work for free to entertain you. Have a nice day.
