Take a good look at yourself...

...and ask yourself, "What brought me to click this absurdly-titled article?" The answer is likely that you feel threatened from an intense, manly aura radiating from here. Do not be afraid, because the only time that you need to fear being utterly demolished as an ant would is when you decide to cross the line and thus, cross me. If my impressive verbiage hasn't already made you back down, then here are five reasons why I could uppercut you all the way to Viking Heaven and back, punk.

1. I'm a big guy... for you

If you've seen Bane from "Batman Rises," you'll know that messing with a big guy is no joke. There's no telling what this insane beast of a man could do to you if you so much as made a joke about his haircut (or lack thereof), and I'm the same way. As a fellow big guy, I'm an unstoppable force of nature that will bend you over backward if I get even a shred of disrespect for you. I've got the muscles to get the job done, and I've just been hired.

2. You're a wimpy little soyboy

We all know that soy products drastically reduce muscle mass and inhibit the production of testosterone. Luckily for me, I play "Magic: The Gathering," which means that my testosterone levels are off the charts. My testosterone is probably so high that even the most muscular, body-building titans that you've come to know are little girls compared to me. You wanna stand a chance against me? You better start drinking less Soylent and eating more falafel REAL quick, buddy, cause it'll take a while for you to come even close to my astronomical levels of testosterone.

3. Russian blood flows through my veins

If you thought my testosterone and big-guy-itude were impressive, you should take a look at my heritage. Compared to my father, who was a bear-wrestling, submarine-punching broccoli-eating machine, I'm just a wimpy little kid. My 300 pound (pure-muscle) father has a consistent 0.3 percent blood alcohol level from drinking all the way from birth. The moment us Russian beasts exit the womb, we are demanding beef jerky and alcohol from our parents and we drink milk from our mother until we're three years old, just to make sure we're not consuming any soy from an age where we might turn into effeminate, muscle-less horseweasels. You should think twice before going up against any Russian.

4. I go to the gym sometimes

I go to the gym every few weeks to keep in shape, but every time I go, my depression just gets a little bit worse because I can't stop pitying all of the out of shape fellow gym-goers. At least they're making an effort, and that's more than a lot of people can say, but seeing their complete lack of glutes and calf muscles is a fate worse than death. If you've ever seen those men who have massive arms and chests but are standing on legs that look like twigs, I'm the opposite. I have legs that will crush a person's skull if they so much as see me flex. My arms leave something to be desired, but good luck laughing at them when I roundhouse your head to Saturn.

5. My intellect is unmatched

You didn't think this entire article would be about muscles on the arms and legs, did you? The most important muscle, which you absolutely cannot forget, is the brain. Not only can I uppercut you into another dimension, but I can also probably beat you in a game of chess, you little twerp. You know how some inexperienced players will lose the game in two moves? I could beat you without even taking any moves—your King would just fall over once he saw the size of my massive brain.

Just to demonstrate a little more how intelligent I am: I've been writing satire articles all this time. That's right, satire, and you all fell for it. You all believed that I was writing completely serious articles because you couldn't fathom that there was comedy in them. Only a select few people realized, and those are the only intellectual powerhouses that I'll treat as my equals.