As much as I'd love to claim that my spoken words are as eloquent and intentional as they seem to be in writing, that is far from the truth. Lately, I've been beginning to see how some of the phrases I say, which almost subconsciously flow from my mouth, have negative impacts. I have been learning the importance of not accepting every phrase just because it's what I traditionally said or what most people say.
These five examples are quotes that I have said hundreds and hundreds of times in my life. Despite this, they are quotes that I realized do not build me up, internally or externally. Although obviously no words are inherently bad in themselves, it is the wrong contexts and applications that make them unhealthy. Some of the phrases may seem controversial to cut out, but for me, I have experienced how they impact my life and learned that I do not need them. Cutting out these phrases means valuing my beliefs and becoming closer to the life that I want for myself. It is something I want to do because of the equality I want to feel and the mindsets I want to have. And if you happen to find some truth to my reasoning, I suggest you give it a try - you may be surprised how much the phrases impacted your life.
1. "I’m sorry"
The number one phrase I say that I want to knock out of my vocabulary is “I’m sorry.” Well, wait... I’m not saying we shouldn’t apologize when we have truly betrayed someone or when we really mean it. I think apologizing is so necessary and a vital part of any relationship. I’m not saying we need to cut the word “sorry” out of our language, simply put, I want to stop saying “I’m sorry” for things that I’m really not sorry for. I think it is very common for women to say “I’m sorry” when they have no reason to be apologetic. Most of the time, especially for myself, I don’t even realize when I say it. Because of this, we often don’t realize the overarching affects of this little, seemingly insignificant phrase. Nevertheless, prominently female-spoken phrases like “I’m sorry” endorse the idea that women owe an apology for simple things like approaching someone or speaking too loud. I think people often use it to justify and make things seem more subtle, even if they have no reason to be. Not only does the misuse of this phrase lessen the value of it's real meaning, the prominent use of it by women endorses the idea that we must apologize for innocent things. It may seem like I’m reading way far into this phrase, but its little things like this that result in our subconscious hegemony, widening the gap between gender equality. This commercial Pantene does a great job at bringing to light women’s prevalent, unnecessary use of the phrase “I’m sorry”. I think this video is profound and inspires me to try and cut “I’m sorry” out of my casual phrases...
2. “I don’t have enough money”
I can’t count the amount of times I’ve said this famous line. I’ve used it as justification to skipping out on events, experiences, and helping others. I’ve used it as an excuse to not break out of my comfort zone, to not donate to someone in need, to not participate in something I’ve wanted to do for so long. It is not to say that this phrase is always misused every time someone says it, but I think a lot of times we overuse it and dramatize the reality of our condition. The use of this phrase puts us in a scarcity mindset and the more we use it, the more we believe we really don’t have enough money, even if we are doing just fine. It’s crazy to think about how much people in other countries - the slums of India and villages in Haiti are living with...yet we’re the ones saying we don’t have enough?! I think the more we say we're "broke", or even just tell ourselves this on the inside, the less we recognize how much abundance we are gifted in life. I’m a big advocate for saving money, don’t get me wrong, but I am trying to not constantly tell myself that I don’t have enough through little phrases like this. Because when I really think about it, I don't have to worry about how I am going to get my next meal. I don't have to worry about where I am going to sleep or how I am going to be warm. When I really think about it, it seemly obvious - I have so much more than "enough".
3. “Just”
“Just”, like "sorry", is another predominantly feminine phrase. Women, including myself, far too often being a question with “I’m just wondering”, “Just checking”, or “Just wanting to ask”. But like “I’m sorry”, the constant use of "just" by women is a silent oppressor. In a way, adding “just” imply the idea that we must ask for permission to say what we want to say. It is a way in which we make ourselves sound more subtle and non-threatening, even if what we have to say is important and valuable. It is us justifying things that should not have to be justified - why do we need to throw a disclaimer out before we ask a question? Before we say something? When we start our sentences “I just wanted to..” It’s like throwing a disclaimer first that: I want to say my opinion, but don’t want to sound to overbearing. It is a way to minimize what is said after. But if what we have to say after is important and we are confident in that, as we should be, justification is unnecessary. "Just", I think, is probably more prevalent in our society than "sorry", and although it may not seem detrimental, it is another tiny thing that affects the way women are treated, feel, and live.
4. "I don't have enough time"
This phrase ties along with the last one, except is probably even a less of a legitimate form of justification. This popular phrase has come out of my mouth to (again) not break out of my shell, to not be vulnerable, to not have a good, valuable conversation, to not volunteer, to not pray, to not do homework, to not spark a new friendship, not to positively impact someone else, and so many more things that I probably do have the time to do. As one of my favorite authors, Jake Ducey states in his book The Purpose Principles, “The right moment is waiting for you to stop waiting for the right moment”. (P.S. I highly recommend this book!!) Like Ducey eloquently put it, there isn’t always going to be “the perfect moment” to do something. We’re not always going to have all our homework done, our bills paid off, or 10 hours of sleep to have the experience of our lives, to have a deep, great conversation with someone, or to have an experience that changes our life. Sometimes we have to take the moment and make it perfect. This means accepting the fact that we will still have time to do all the things we need to do, and being present in the moment right in front of us. For me, this means hanging out with my friends and being fully in the moment, without constantly reminding myself that I still have an essay to work on or article to write. It means recognizing that I really am not scarce on time, and that if something doesn’t happen in time, it was probably meant to be that way. Deadlines and limitations exist, but I know for me, the unnecessary use of “I don’t have enough time” is more harmful to my mind than anything.
5. “I’m so stressed out”
As previously stated, the stories we tell ourselves have real manifestations on us. One of the most common stories I tell myself, and then attempt to affirm by speaking out loud, is that “I’m so stressed.” Again, I think it a phrase we use to justify not doing things that we should do, even if we actually want to do them. But stress can have real affects on our physical, mental, and emotional health. It’s a deceitful, treacherous mindset that finds its way into every part of our well-being. When I really think about it, though, it hits me: What is stress but a mindset? Obviously if I keep saying I’m stressed out about school, work, and life, eventually, I’m going to feel stressed about them. It’s crazy to think of the amount of time I have spent just acknowledging my stress - time that could have been spent easing that same stress. Having a lot of things to do is one thing, but adding in the phrase “I’m stressed” only seems to make things ten times harder to accomplish. This semester, I have been very intentional on reminding myself that I only feel stressed if I tell myself I’m stressed, and it has been quite transformative. When I get assigned a huge essay, I try to ask myself: What if this didn’t have to be stressful? I’ve been trying to remind myself that when I want to go on a run, read a book, or go to class that they don’t have to be stressful tasks. I ask myself, what if I just enjoyed this experience? Despite our society’s glorification of busy-ness and high-stress” conditions, I think a stressed-out mindset is unhealthy and most of the time, completely self imposed.
