For some reason, there have been several statements that have developed over the years that are meant to compliment black women and our beauty. However, I am writing about the different statements that are completely and utterly contradictory and pretty much a backhanded compliment to all women of color. Hopefully, some people learn from this and decided to never make these mistakes again. Here are in my opinion the top five things that somewhere got lost in translation as a compliment but are actually insulting
1. "Wow you’re pretty are you mixed” or “ You are pretty for a dark skin girl"
This is extremely insulting to all black women. I am not sure when this condescending comment became a compliment, but I will gladly explain why it is rude and unnecessary. Those statements imply that we as black women cannot become beautiful without the assistance of another race specifically our white counterparts. That being black alone is not good enough to constitute what the standard of beauty is. Why does being black and beautiful mean that I have to be mixed or of lighter skin? My ancestors gave me this brown sugar skin that I proudly accept and clearly you remain complex and confused because you try to reduce me to something other than who and what I am to understand my beauty. Please learn to accept my melanin because it is not going anywhere.
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2. "Can I touch your hair"
I am sure that all black women whether natural, permed, weaved, or braided all hate the “ Can I touch your hair” question. First being asked this question is just plain rude and annoying. My hair is not a spectacle or a show that you should be amazed at. I get it, its different and unique and people love how versatile black women can be with their hair but you may I repeat may not touch it. I am not an animal and I will not allow you to pet me. Think of it this way, when we go to the zoo and you see a beautiful tiger or lioness you don’t jump in the cage and touch them just because their different or you haven’t seen anything like them. Why, because it's dangerous and you're invading their space. Touching my hair is invading my space and just like a lioness expect an attack, not physically of course, but verbally because your wrong and you should never feel comfortable enough to walk up to another human being and ask to pet them.
3. "Wow you have really good hair"
I know we already touched on the concept of hair, however, I think all people can benefit from refraining from the use of this statement simply because what does this even mean. I would personally love for someone to write a thesis on who develop the concept of good hair and what good hair entails. The kinks and curls of my hair are just as magically as the waves and straightness of another person's hair. The “good hair” comment is insulting because it does go back to the idea that black girls that have “ good hair” whatever that means must have some ancestors whose DNA represents something other than black, equating that black cannot be beautiful. Just for clarification, all hair is good hair, whether it's coarse, curly, or silky it's yours so it's good!
4. "You talk like a white person"
Granted this comment can be applied to any black person or any person of color in generally not just women. Therefore, in this case, it is understandable why this is so derogatory. White ethnicity or race is not the supreme or the standard model of who we all should be despite what the world has tried to instill in us, white people are not the only educated people in this world. Also talking white is actually not a thing, being educated and learning the proper pronunciations of a word is, and how dare you try to reduce me to something by stripping away my culture as a black woman cause I choose not use slang. I know this is meant as a compliment by saying that I am articulate, but I would personally prefer that. Just simply say I love how articulate you are without comparing me to a race that is not my own. Also, just some food for thought black women earn and receive more degrees than any other race. So maybe the new backhanded compliment should be “ You should talk and carry yourself like these prestigious black women”.
5. "You're not the stereotypical black girl"
Just to clarify here, a stereotypical black girl is someone who is seen as angry, loud, sassy, and pretty much all the negative attributes that seemly got associated with black women. I know what you're trying to say is that I am cool and you didn’t expect me to be this awesome, great but you should really change the perception you have of black women because it's rude and offensive. Being a black woman does not automatically mean you are negative and not somehow a beam of sunlight. I know plenty of black women that are more optimistic, calm, and articulate than most people I know, so just to assume that we all will exhibit these traits is profiling and wrong. Also for those that do have a little sass or attitude or upset about being systematically oppressed every day own it and don’t let anyone reduce you to a societal based stereotype. Heck, people already think we are somehow negative so be sassy, be bright, be a black girl and continue to make everybody watch as you continue to prosper in this world that neglects you.
Of course, there are more condescending things that are said to us black women every day but those five to me are really important. I hope my explanation help people understanding that those compliments that are supposed to mean well are just simply rude. Just simply tell us you admire us for who we are and who we are trying to be without trying to make us negative or some sort of spectacle. I mean it's understandable we give off this shine and glow that clearly attracts people. You don’t have to reduce it to statements like this to make us less powerful. Just accept it and live with it cause our black girl magic will continue just hopefully it will continue to prosper without these five backhanded compliments.
