“This is my coping mechanism. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My coping mechanism is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
Without me, my coping mechanism is useless. Without my coping mechanism, I am useless. I must develop my coping mechanism true. I must cope better than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must cope before he breaks me. I will...

My coping mechanism is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a sister. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel.
I will keep my coping mechanism here and ready, even as I am here and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My coping mechanism and I are the defenders of my sanity. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.”- Adapted version of Rifleman’s Creed

My coping mechanism is humor. Whether it be dark or light, wrong or right my coping mechanism has gotten me this far in life. Through the times when I thought it was too much. When I thought I would be smothered under the weight of my emotions the laughs got me through.

Even though you may be fine with your coping mechanism doesn’t mean everyone else is. Here are some things you quickly realize when your coping mechanism is a humor/laughing hybrid.

1. People see humor and laughing as positive.

Humor (cracking jokes) and laughing is not always appreciated. And you can’t stop it once it starts without feel worse. You aren’t supposed to crack jokes at a funeral or laugh/cry your way to sleep when your sister falls down the steps and needs to be taken to the hospital. Even smiling is looked down on.

2. You always have to apologize.

“I wasn’t laughing about his death”, “Saying your daughters hands looked like lizard fingers wasn’t out of malice”, and “Yes, I understand this is a serious situation”.

3. You never know how it will come out.

What you may have thought would be a tight-lipped smile in order to stop the tears turns into hysterical laugh/crying.

4. No one invites you to a serious situation unless absolutely necessary.

Understandable because who would want someone cracking jokes at ICU? Not I.

5. It’s awkward but relieving.

You have to do it. You feel crappy doing it but when you hold back you feel like full blown shit. The feelings you feel towards me are dimmed by the horrible emotions swirling inside me.

Although I understand my humor isn’t always welcome I accept it as a part of me. As one of the main reasons I keep my sanity and haven’t gone on a killing spree and 360 no scoped someone in real life. This is what keeps me positive so if it isn’t welcomed you may disperse.