The holiday season is a time of love, family, and reunion. Folks that we haven’t seen for a while are back within our grasp, but that’s not always a great thing. Amongst the hustle and bustle, the fiasco that is arranging Christmas and New Year’s parties and struggling to find that one last gift, tensions can be high at this time of year.

Conflict among family members is neither holly or jolly, so here are some tips for keeping things calm during this active holiday season (or any other time of the year), in order to have the best time you can with the ones you love most.

1. Make your needs known to the other party.

In a disagreement, major or minor, clearly articulate to the other party what you want as a desired outcome of the conflict. This way it’ll be easier to stay aligned, to solve problems and reach your goals together. Plenty of things can go wrong, from your roast burning to your car getting stuck in snow, but it’s important to avoid placing blame.

2. Express your emotions.

Don’t ignore them, but know why you’re feeling the way you are and don’t let them spiral out of control. No one wants a disastrous argument over Christmas dinner, so acknowledge your feelings as valid, but gauge whether a conflict is worth bringing up or if it can wait until after the holidays.

3. Don’t expect collaboration to work out every time.

Sometimes the next best thing is compromise or even to accommodate to the needs of the other party. It’s a time of giving and understanding, so keep in mind that not every argument needs to (or can) be won. If everyone can’t get what they want or if you can’t find a middle ground, it can show strength to give in, but whatever way you handle conflict, it is always dependent on your individual situation.

4. Take some time to think on your own before resorting to gossip.

It’s natural to want to go to a third party and vent, a friend or a parent. But stepping back gives you a chance to seek some perspective or to at least calm down. It also gives you a chance to consider what you actually want your confidant to know. It’ll never hurt to wait, but what is spoken can not be unsaid.

5. It’s impossible to stay completely positive in every conflict.

Expecting this outcome will just come as a disappointment and fuel your overall negative attitude towards conflict. Go into it knowing that you’re human, with needs and values that deserve your defense. Once you stop thinking in terms of winning and losing, conflict will begin to act as a way to bring you closer to your loved ones, not the force that drives them away.

Togetherness, love, and family: that’s the purpose for our holiday gatherings, and should be the mindset with which you confront conflict.