Figuring out how to comfort someone with depression isn’t easy. Each person’s illness is unique, and the circumstances surrounding their situation are just as varied as their depression is. I’ll be honest, comforting a depressed friend or loved one is an uphill battle. I have boundless respect for anyone who has the desire to help those of us who struggle with this awful illness. The fact that you care means more than we can ever express to you. Thank you for wanting to comfort us and be there for us despite the pain we deal with daily.

Each day, millions of people search Google for help, not for themselves but their friends and family. While one group is struggling and they think nobody cares, there’s another group who desperately searches the Internet for some small piece of advice to help them.

That’s why it’s important for some of us who can speak up to do so, to educate friends and family who care but just don’t know where to start. If your friend or loved one struggles with depression, it feels overwhelming, and you don’t know how to support them. Their pain is so great, so scary, a real mystery that you may feel apprehensive to say something to them. First, please work to overcome that.. Keeping quiet, treating those with depression differently, that becomes supporting evidence for the lies their illness tells them. Think about it, if your illness tells you that you’re weird and unworthy of normal things like friendship. How horrible is it to witness your friends and family treating you differently? Depression will say, ‘See, you are weird, and people do treat you differently because of it.’

Be yourself, and pursue the normal relationship you have with your friend or loved one before depression showed up. That’s the first place you can start.

5 simple things to say that can comfort someone

What follows are some things you can say to comfort someone with depression. Again, because every person is unique, there may be differences from case to case. But, in general, follow this guide and you’ll set yourself apart as the person your friend can trust to get them through this horrible time in their life.

“I love you”

Saying, ‘I love you.’ Seems too simple to be effective but don’t forget about the lies our illness tells us. Remember, you must continually work to prove the depression wrong.

Every time you tell someone with depression that you love them and that others love them too, you’re planting seeds of positivity in very rocky and unfertile soil. Many seeds will not sprout, but it’s the few that do take root that makes a big difference during particularly dark periods where we feel nobody would care if we died.

Show your love more than you usually would, remind them you love them more often than you normally would.

“I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I want to listen”

It helps when you acknowledge that you have no clue what it’s like for us. Look, we know you don’t know what it’s like, but it means a lot more to know that YOU know that you don’t know what it’s like for us. So start off there, admit that you don’t get it but follow up with the fact that it doesn’t change anything. You’re there and want to learn more about what your loved one is going through.

When you want to listen, when you want to learn more about our struggles, it shows us that you’re willing to invest in us. That proves, first that you’re someone we can go to if we’re in trouble. But more than anything, it’s just more evidence that we’re not alone, that people care, and that we’re worthy.

I don’t forget the people who ask for more information about what I go through. I remember the people who listen to what I have to say about my illness. Those people show me that my depression is lying to me, I am worthy, and people do care.

“You are important to me”

You must continually remind your loved one of the important role(s) they play in your life and what they mean to you. Not only does depression leave us feeling unimportant, but we’re also lead to believe we are a burden on everyone around us.

The greatest weapon you have against your friend’s depression is your love and encouragement. The more you remind them of all the ways you need them in your life, of the irreplaceable role they play, the more evidence they’ll have to cling to when depression tries to convince them otherwise.

“I want to be here for you, I won’t leave you behind”

I can’t say this enough, do NOT again do NOT, tell someone with depression that you will be there for them if you won’t commit to it.

I still see the faces of every person who said they would be there for me and bailed. My depression reminds me of them almost daily. Every therapist who let me down, every doctor who didn’t believe me, every friend who said they were going to be there for me and then walked away.

I get it; life happens, and you have your’s to deal with in addition to me and my depression. But you don’t understand, when you stand up and say that you’ll be there, and you aren’t, that’s more evidence my depression uses to prove that I’m not worthy of love or care or even my next breath. My depression slams your photo down on my desk saying, ‘This person thinks you’re crap, this one too.’

If you don’t believe that you can be there for me in the hurricane, that’s fine. But then don’t offer to be there. Because when it’s time to board up the windows and brace for the storm that’s coming, I’ll be counting on you and it’s going to hurt me more when you let me down.

But, if you want to be the go-to for your loved one, if you want to be the rock they cling to so that they survive this period in their life, then you must let them know that you’re there for them, and you must remind them on a regular basis. Assume they didn’t hear you the first time and tell them again that you’re there and that you want to be involved in their fight.

“Please keep going, if not for you, for me”

When I’m at my darkest, I don’t want to live. I don’t see any value in my life so there’s no point in going through this pain. I hurt every day, for what? For who? Why?

If I don’t believe I have value or worth to those around me, it’s too easy for me to assume I can just disappear. The belief in my own expendability is the most self-destructive lie depression uses to brainwash me. There are days I think I can walk out the door, and nobody will miss me.

If I feel like that on a semi-good day, you can only imagine what I believe on the truly horrifying days.

So, let me ask you if I feel like I’m expendable or, worse, that others would rather I am not around, how long is it before the pain of my depression motivates me to die? If I don’t think there’s a point in me being here, and being here brings me nothing but pain, I might as well leave, right?

You must work continually to prove to your loved one that they need to be here, that your life requires their existence. If you don’t, they won’t see a reason to keep going.

Please remind your loved one of all the ways they impact your life.

Over-communicate just how valuable they are to you and your life. Doing so first reminds them that their suicide will not be consequence free. I’ll flat out admit; I’m not here because of myself. I don’t see value in my life. I think I cause more harm than good, and I think the people I love most would be better off if I weren’t here. It’s not fair, but it’s up to them to prove me wrong. Depression already has me convinced. But it’s those people, the ones who stepped up and reminded me of the ways they need me, the ways I bring value to their lives; it’s those friends who kept me alive when I was ready to bail and go home forever.

Second, asking your loved one to keep fighting for you puts some responsibility on their shoulders. You see, depression has us methodically shutting down. Your loved one values you more than they value themselves so when you ask them to keep fighting for you, there’s weight on their shoulders pushing them to keep going because now someone else is counting on them. If I were only fighting for myself, I’d be dead. But I’ve had people ask me regularly to keep going, and it’s my responsibility to them that keeps me breathing.

Summing all these sections up I would have to say that depression fills our heads with endless lies. It’s up to those who care about us to provide evidence to contradict the lies. Make their worth to your life undeniable. Depression will do everything it can to convince your loved one that you’re wrong, that you’re lying, that your loved one is still worthless.

If you want to make the greatest impact on your loved one’s life, start proving to them just how wrong their depression is about them. If you continually speak truth and love into their ears, you just might break through the noise of their illness someday.

I hope this guide gave you a few good places to start in comforting someone with depression. I hope you know just how important your role is in your loved one’s life. If you do it with love and patience, comforting someone with depression can be the start of their comeback, the boost their recovery needs. Remember that this is written from my needs and my experiences, and do not be afraid to ask your loved one what they need. They truly will appreciate that.

Thank you for your interest in comforting someone with depression and thank you for loving them despite their mental illness. Your support, though it may not always appear that way, is vital to their recovery.