Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and like a lot of people, I have no idea what to do with my imaginary girlfriend this year. Last year was the year of the fancy dinner. The year before was a Broadway show (though that was more of a gift for me).
The problem with Valentine’s Day is that there is no more creativity involved. Everyone goes to dinner or sees a show. Where is the originality? Where is the razzle-dazzle?
If you want to have a successful Valentine’s Day, all you need is a little bit of originality. This is where I come in. I am here to provide you with 5 Valentine’s Day date ideas that are sure to get you out of trouble for the latest dumb thing you said.
1. Nickelback Concert
If there is one thing I know about the ladies, it’s that they love Nickelback. One Direction? Forget ‘em! 5 Seconds of Summer? Old news. Nickelback is undoubtedly the greatest boy man bands of all time. They’re even foreign. Sure, women love a man with a British or Australian accent. But everyone knows that the real winner is a classic Canadian accent.
Eh? So fellas, treat your lady by taking her to a once-in-a-lifetime show. She will fall in love with you all over again while listening to Nickelback classics such as “Photograph”, “Rockstar”, and the one about the thing on Joey’s head. That may just be “Photograph” again, but I’m a college student, I don’t do research.
2. Party at Brad’s Place
If there is one thing I know about the ladies, it’s that they love Brad. And the only thing they love more than Brad is his parties. Who is Brad? Maybe he’s your brother. Maybe he’s your college roommate. Maybe you met him at a Nickelback concert. All that matters is that Brad is the manand your lady is a big fan.
She loves going to Brad’s apartment located conveniently near a recent murder-scene. She loves being greeted by Brad with his classic joke where he refers to her by your last girlfriend’s name. She loves the general odor of Brad’s place. She loves how as the party continues, the things that Brad says become exponentially more offensive. Gosh, Brad is a riot!
3. Trump Rally
If there is one thing I know about the ladies, it’s that they hate Hillary Clinton. All the ladies out there, at least the smart ones, know that there is only one true candidate for the President of the United States. This man is wealthy, does not like anyone who is different, and wants you to know that. This man is Donald Trump.
Watch your significant other as she cheers for our future President. Listen as Trump spots her in the crowd and objectifies her in some way. Congratulations, your lady was acknowledged by Donald Trump. Her face will get red as he speaks about her unappealing figure and lack of value in this nation. She’s so cute when she gets shy. Remind her that she should not be shy or embarrassed. That is the next President of this great country making her feel like a pile of human trash.
4. The Game
As I have established by this point, I am an expert in all things regarding “the ladies.” I know what they like. In my time on this earth, I have determined that every woman’s favorite thing to do is watch the game. What game? Football, baseball, basketball, tennis, curling, jousting… The possibilities are endless!
What your lady wants this Valentine’s Day is to sit several feet away from you as you watch the sporting event of your choice and refuse to explain anything to her. It’s so thoughtful of you to spare her brain from the overwhelming power of your sports knowledge. While you’re watching the game, make sure to tell your lady to make you some Totino's ® Pizza Rolls ®. You’re making her feel useful. But she can’t have any. Those are your pizza rolls. Make this extremely clear.
5. Break Up With Her
If none of my previous game-changing date ideas work, you only have one option: you have to call it quits. I don’t care how serious the relationship is. Two weeks, two years; It doesn’t matter. End it! If she can’t appreciate the effort you put forth to make her Valentine’s Day truly magical, she doesn’t deserve you. But do not, under any circumstances, forget the most important rule. The break-up must be creative. Take her to the finest local IHOP® and when her flapjacks arrive, throw them directly in her face and exit the establishment in victory. Or, you can propose to her. Call her parents and tell them the big news.
You’re getting married! Pick a venue, set the date, hire a wedding planner, and invite your friends and family. Several months will go by and before you know it, the day will arrive. As she walks down the aisle, give her a little smile. She knows what’s coming. Say your vows. You will arrive at the moment of truth: “I do.” At this very moment, throw the flapjacks directly in her face and exit the establishment in victory.
Have a happy Valentine’s Day.
I know I won’t.
