At long last it is time for you to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, ravenous for the food you've been smelling in the kitchen all day. You're surrounded by family, some you haven't seen in quite a while, some you see a bit too often. After the obligatory prayer and/or "I'm Thankful For" exercise, the next few minutes are held in a respectful silence as everyone piles their plates high with stuffing, dinner rolls, and gravy-soaked turkey before digging in. Eventually, though, you're going to have to talk to each other. For your sake and mine, here are some ideas on what not to say:
1. Twitter
Brother dear, did you know that the shift from 140 to 280 characters on the social media platform Twitter does not give you license to shitpost the "Bee Movie" script in slightly-larger chunks?
I seriously haven't been able to discern whether these new parameters are a boon or a detriment.
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My investigation is ongoing.
2. Politics
Aunt Amy, how many more of Trump's cabinet has to resign or blatantly call him an idiot before people start to question his ability to govern a country? Check out Vox's article for their running list of comments made by his national security team. Welcome to the club, McMaster!
3. The Crooked Media
Hey, Uncle Chad, have you considered how messed up it is that Tortellini Lasagna Tomi Lahren and the rest of Fox News is unable to talk about anything but Hillary Clinton, and how the conservative right's inherent bias and inability to present anything close to impartiality has aided in the polarization of this country's politics? I will concede that unbiased journalism is basically an oxymoron at this point, but they don't even try to mask Trump's own failures with well-structured arguments against his barely-relevant ex-opponents.
4. Movies
Anyone else as pumped as I am for "The Last Jedi" in December? I know I am! I can't wait for Finn to wake from his coma and go search for Rey, I love them toge-- oh, what's that, cousin Stephanie? You think Kylo and Rey are destined to be together? Even though they might be related and the only screentime they've shared together has had Kylo literally torturing and scaring the shit out of Rey, except for the one time she completely owned his ass to save Finn? Hey, Stephanie, come on, put the meat tenderizer down --
5. Pets
Mom, thanks so much for footing that $700 vet bill from last week. You wouldn't believe what happened this morning -- I thought I woke up to the sound of him eating a second Adderall pill! Just a false alarm though. By the way, how soon do you need me to pay you back? Oh. Yeah, we'll see!
