Right off the bat let me say this, I don't know why I keep coming back to this medium. I think it's partly therapeutic and partly narcissistic but mostly it's a way for me to look back at how I've grown, a measuring stick of sorts. Secondly, I've learned a lot in the last couple weeks. Most of these lessons are on leadership so here are four things I've learned about being a leader in the last 2ish weeks.

First, leaders equip others to do the work that they set before them. If only the leader knows how to do something or the way something needs to be done, then the brunt of the work falls on them and as a person who prides himself on working harder than the next guy, that doesn't sound like a lot of fun. I enjoy hard work but there's something to be said about a team coming together and using their unique strengths to reach a common goal. Leaders equip others. Jesus did this with the disciples in Matthew 28 when He says that His spirit will go with them. Jesus equips so leaders must equip.

Second, leaders are humble enough to admit when they are wrong. Right now is the smartest I will ever be. I say this because the more I grow, the more I realize that I don't know everything. As a matter of fact, I have a long way to go. Recently I learned this through a failure that was easily avoidable and that I could have prevented had I been doing what I needed to be doing. Through this, I learned that I will be wrong more than I'm right but to not let that deter me. Be stubborn in trying hard but learn from these mistakes.

Third, leaders are ready to go at a moment's notice. I got to sit down and chat with one of my new heroes of the faith, Will Blackaby, recently. We got to talk about my dreams and how he used to be in student ministry. The thing he told me was that I need to be ready to serve, equip, share, and in general do what God says at a moment's notice. I need to have that level of obedience to where I don't think about the implications of what God says before I act. Rather, I need to act upon what God says without hesitation. A foreign concept to me but another area I can grow in.

Last, leaders are vulnerable. I'm growing more vulnerable. I think this partly has to do with me craving community and partly with me having a lot of things to get off my chest. With that being said, part of my testimony involves a season of depression rooted in not feeling like I was ever good enough. That's nothing new as I've shared it before but here's the catch: I still struggle with depression. I think it stems from me having such high expectations for myself and then not meeting them for whatever reason. That's not to say that I'm at risk or anything. That's not the case. However, I still have the occasional day where I'm not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to do anything, and really more of a grey color in personality. I've hidden this for some time because I thought that because I work in ministry, I wasn't allowed to struggle with this. I should just be happy because God is using me in a way that I couldn't have even imagined. That's not the case though. I have days where I question God on why I was made, why I even do ministry, and where my life is even going. However, I'm encouraged by Jeremiah 1:4-10 which says,

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
“O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”
The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,
“Look, I have put my words in your mouth!
Today I appoint you to stand up
against nations and kingdoms.
Some you must uproot and tear down,
destroy and overthrow.
Others you must build up and plant.”

Jeremiah was in a sort of ministry and struggled with the same things I do: self-esteem, loneliness, and feelings of defeat. If I'm honest, I go a million miles an hour with working in ministry. It's awesome. I'm obsessed with it still and I'm going on 4 years in it. On the flip side, I invest a lot of emotional energy into people and that's tiring. It's burned me out and therefore led me to question why I do what I do. I know that I'd be miserable if I did anything other than ministry but the why has to be there for it to be meaningful.

With all that being said, I'm learning to diagnose my depression before it even takes root. I'm learning to control it before it controls me. I'm learning to choose joy in these situations and remember that it's okay to not be okay. I'm 22. I'm young. I don't have to have my life together to be usable to God. I just need to be obedient. I'm not here to tell you that I have all the answers or that my depression is as frequent as it might appear to be. 99% of the time I'm totally fine and could not be better! However, that 1% sure does hit and it hits hard.

With all of this off my chest, I'm a little proud of myself. Take that how you will but for so long I criticized myself on every little thing. The thing I think I'm trying to say is this, I'm excited about the future. I'm excited about my future, your future, and everyone's future. I'm an optimist and I find that trying to find God's hand in everything helps with not only growth but also with going through trials. Much love and God bless.