A few months ago, I wrote an article about the things I hate the most about Springtime. Afterwards, and mostly due to forgetting about it, I decided to skip summer entirely and instead focus on the arrival of Autumn. That image of orange leaves lying on the drying grass near a patch of pumpkins under clear blue skies is beautiful.The imagery of fall is a great deal like Santa Claus in that you weren’t supposed to catch nature or your parents in that awkward lie. Now you spend the rest of your life convincing yourself it isn’t true, trying to preserve that perfect image. So grab a pumpkin spice latte and see why fall isn’t all it's cracked up to be.

1. Daylight Savings

Nobody likes changes to their schedules, especially if it's some arbitrary bullshit from work or plans. However, the goddamn rotation of the earth also pulls this in the form of daylight savings. On November 6, the clocks will shoot backwards like rabid fans to a show and invariably mess up a great deal of events and plans. Hopefully, the extra hour of sleep is worth being blind as soon as you leave for home. With less daylight there's less time to enjoy that idyllic autumn picture you told yourself would happen. It’s hard to chew the scenery when the sun's not there.

2. Strange Weather

I personally enjoy the cold, though I know I am part of a minority. Fall is a strange season as it likes to be bipolar in deciding if a day is going to be warm or freezing. Mornings especially feel as though the air was imported for the arctic requiring that awkward not a winter jacket but not a summer coat then immediately discarding it after 10 o'clock. There’s a great deal of rain in the fall as well, it's rather hard to enjoy the season when the outside world turns into London for four months. You can’t enjoy outdoor activities as long as nature decides to spin a roulette every couple of hours, in that regard even winter is more stable of a season.

3. Leaves

Fuck leaves. Everyone loves the pictures of orange leaves layering the ground like maple sugar on the tongue. They don’t. They cluster up and make weird pitfalls on the ground and they turn brown and disgusting with those weird lumps on them. And it’s not fair that we live in the twenty first century and the best method of dealing with leaves is a comb on a stick. Leaves don’t contribute to anything, they don’t look pretty because they’re usually soggy like piles of used teabags. Then, when winter comes, the just get buried, disintegrate into brown poop, then greet you in spring when they turn into a mushy jelly that you invariably step in.

4. Halloween

Halloween was a magical holiday for me when I was a kid. There was just something quite special about going to neighbors housing and them giving you free candy, the kind that didn’t require me to get into a van. I love going around with my parents and collecting candy and seeing all the decorations.

As I got older I now see that Halloween is now a time for people to dress up in sexier versions of the costumes I wore as a kid in the same vein as a slutty comic con. We can’t eat as much candy as we used to and most people spend the whole day at work. And don’t get me started on people who never had any candy. Or worse, those people who left the “take one” bowls then had someone immediately take the entire thing. Sadly for me, Halloween has become as exciting as getting teeth pulled with less candy and more people trying to as legally naked as possible.