Recently, I feel as though I have been spending a large fraction of my life on the highway. Whether it be travelling home to see family or across the state to visit friends, my life has been marked by the miles on my odometer and filled with hour upon hour on the road. On these various journeys, I have broadened by musical horizons, perfected my “at-the-wheel” dance moves, mentally marked the cleanest highway rest-stops, and, most of all, discovered just how infuriating it is to deal with those who I am sharing the road with. We’ve all been there. One second you’re on the open road, jamming to the latest Drake single, doing the “I-really-gotta-go” dance, mentally calculating your ETA… and the next moment you’re stuck between two semi’s and a Prius who are clearly in no hurry to get wherever they are going, or you’re being blinded by the “low beams” of a jacked-up pickup truck who feels no hesitation in getting up close and personal with your rear bumper. Yeah, we’ve all been there. Driving can be infuriating, and with the holidays approaching quickly, highways, bi-ways, and everything in between are about to be clogged with those who only make your travels more stressful than a trip to Macey’s on Black Friday (well, maybe). Here’s a list of some of the worst drivers that I’ve experienced.
1. The Leap-Frogger
The scene is set: You’re on the road, cruising at a comfortable 82 miles per hour, and slowly approaching another vehicle. You hit your blinker and enter the passing lane, all the while creeping closer and closer, until you’re right at the bumper of the other traveler. Then, all of a sudden, it is as if the driver of the vehicle next to you has caught a competitive air! They slowly start to accelerate away from you. Okay, you think, and enter back into the right lane. After about 15 minutes, you find that you are yet again coming up on the same vehicle. Your patience is gone… you are determined to pass them this time and you do! At least, for a while, and then they’re back and the process starts all over again. Leap-Frogger’s are some of the worst highway drivers out there; so please, do everyone a favor and try to not act like you’re playing a game of Mario-kart. Driving is difficult enough without having to play leap-frog with someone who hasn’t quite given up on the possibility of having a career as a NASCAR driver.
2. The Person Who Refuses to Set Their Cruise
This person is extremely similar to the Leap-Frogger, except they aren’t quite as extreme. These people clearly have refused to utilize this new-found concept of cruise control. They usually take entirely too long to pass, due to their constant wavering between going slightly slower or faster than you are, and is a highway pest to all who value good gas mileage and consistency.
3. The Left-Lane-Lagger
“I’m just minding my own business.” This is the mentality of the left-lane-lagger, or LLL, who has zero concern for the way their presence on the highway is affecting those around them. For example, when you come drive up on the LLL in the left-lane, they probably won’t speed up so you can return to your previous (faster than them) rate of speed. Instead, they will continue to literally inch past the driver occupying the right lane, and may even sometimes refuse to return to the right lane after completing their pass. It truly goes without saying how infuriating these drivers can be… So, if you’re a notorious LLL, please, kick your cruise up a few notches, and kindly get out of the way. Some of us have driving to do!
4. The Butt-Sniffer
Don’t laugh. We all know exactly what I mean by this term; the driver who feels it's necessary to get within inches of your rear-end while you’re stuck behind LLLs. There are various types of butt-sniffers, but perhaps the worst are those who drive pickups that are lifted higher than the driver’s ego and whose headlights are probably brighter than the driver themselves. You know, the kind whose “low beams” blind you the entire time they insist on sniffing the aroma of your tail-pipe. Few things irritate me more than getting stuck behind an LLL, but add a butt-sniffer with a complex into the mix, and it is almost more than I can handle after being on the road for a few hours. So, just a little message to those of you who follow way too close: riding my a*s really won’t get either of us anywhere any quicker, and if your lights continue to remind me of the gates of heaven, I might just find myself in a position to decelerate due to both my disabled vision and patience.
The holidays will quickly be upon us, and with them, crowds of drivers who have their own philosophies regarding proper highway etiquette. Please, remember that wherever you’re travelling, drive safely, defensively, and with the patience it takes to deal with every variety of the most frustrating drivers.
