I never envisioned my life like this.
I am twenty years old living in a one bedroom apartment with my off/on again boyfriend and his best friend. I don’t talk to my mom very much and my siblings live a half an hour away.
Crazy right?
It is weird to think that a year ago, I was preparing to get engaged to a guy who is now married. Yeah, that is right he got married. I broke up with him because I needed to work on myself and see what I really wanted in life. Only to have some of the hardest challenges thrown at me.
A year ago, I didn’t think I was going to be the girl whose engagement got broken off because she hooked up with a guy from a neighboring high school. Yeah, that happened. That’s me--constantly ruining the relationships around me.
It has been a year full of doctor’s appointments out of the wazoo it seems like. Pretty sure we are at five diagnoses and counting. Medical problems that never seem to end. Here I thought I would be happier by now.
I am happier to a point. It is to the point where I am not in Mansfield, but yet sad enough where I long for doctors’ appointments to get some relief. Relief that gets me to the next set of appointments. I wouldn’t be who I am without my meds. Yes, I know some people get very addicted to their meds but without mine, I don’t think I would be alive to tell the story of how much my life has changed in the last year. I am happier to know I have a support system that truly loves and cares about me.
I fell for a boy with a motorcycle who understood some of my problems but hurt me in a way that I don’t think I will ever recover from. I fell for a boy who wanted me when it was only right for him, but not for me. He was one of the most complicated relationship-type-things I had to deal with. There’s also the boy with the truck who loved a certain football team more than me and laughed about how much we both had in common. I screwed that one up and regret it. There’s the guy who seemed innocent at first. He was in a broken relationship yet falling for me. I fell for his lies and ended up hearing the truth through friends. Lastly, there’s the boy whose had my heart since some day in July. Things are never simple with him, but I have never seen so much love and passion come out of someone. No matter where we are in life, together or not, he is my person.
The last year has been full of regrets and tears. Most things ending on a bad note. I fell for all in the slightest way in the last year because I am a sucker for words. Look at me dead in the eye and tell me you love me and I might fall for you. I would love to tell myself a year ago, I am sorry for all the pain. I’m sorry this is hard, but the lessons you are going to be learning from all of this is going to last a lifetime.
Maybe a little over 365 days ago I decided to put me first. I have had a lot of speed bumps on the way. It’s always the good and the bad, and the ugly yet somehow I am still here fighting even though some days I’d rather not.
Life is complicated and hard, but no matter what it is the only one you got so live it while you can.
