On November 4, 2015, I turned my whole world upside down. I left the man I had been with since I was 17 and walked away from a five-year relationship in the name of finding myself. It's been a bumpy ride, but here I am a year later and a thousand steps closer to the person I've always wanted to be. One of the most important things I've learned is that a lot can happen when you stop searching for "the one" and dedicate your time to finding yourself.
Here are some of the other things I've come to discover:
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1. It's better to be your own best friend than your own worst enemy.
I have always been my biggest critic. I get lost in my own head and can ruminate with the best of them, but once I stopped leaning on and expecting someone else to talk me down from the ledges my mind can push me toward, I started to realize that I'm doing better than I thought. It's OK to be a perfectionist. It's OK to have high expectations for yourself. My workaholic nature has scored me a successful school career and my first "big girl" job. But I've also come to realize that it's just as important to love yourself as it is to push yourself. Instead of kicking myself every time I fail or something doesn't go according to plan, I sit back down at that drawing board and figure out what my next move is. The best thing I ever did was accept that I am human and mistakes are going to happen.
2. Love, like life, is messy.
When you've dedicated half a decade of your life to loving someone, it's hard not to be the slightest bit co-dependent. I've spent more of the last year than I would like to admit looking for love in the wrong places and from the wrong people. I mistook my occasional loneliness for feelings I didn't actually have. If it is true that we accept the love we think we deserve, then there were times I didn't think very highly of myself. It took me a while to realize that, more often than not, the good things come along when you stop looking for them and trying to make people fit into your life that just aren't meant to be there. Have a little patience and the universe might just surprise you.
3. It's OK to need someone to lean on.
I started the year off convinced that I didn't need anyone. I was going to be wholly self-sufficient and nobody could stop me. I was a force to be reckoned with. Well, I can tell you now that mentality is just stupid. Am I an independent woman? Absolutely. That being said, people need other people. I have one of the best support systems anyone could ask for, and I am more grateful for them now than ever. You can still be a total badass and need a night crying over a glass of wine with your friends. If anything, you are stronger for admitting that you need the support than you ever would be for refusing it.
4. You don't have to be so damn perfect all the time.
This one kind of goes hand-in-hand with #1. I have and always will be a perfectionist, but that shit gets exhausting. You don't always have to look like you just stepped off the runway. You don't have to be the best as long as you're doing your best. You do not have to have it all together all of the time. You're going to have days where you're a hot mess and that's OK. Sometimes, you just have to let the chips fall where they may. It is so hard to let go of control and let life happen the way it's going to happen, but damn it's liberating.
5. You are young, so act like it.
Right now, at this very moment, you are the youngest you will ever be. Your twenties, your young adult years, are the time to find yourself. This is the time to go out on the weekends and flirt with that stranger in the bar. This is the time to go to a house party on a weekday, even though you work the next morning and know it'll be hell. This is the time to spend money on weekend road trips and concerts and making memories with the people who matter. This is the time to take chances: start a new job and quit the one you hate, change your mind about your career goals, go after the things you want even though they may not work out. These are your wonder years, don't waste them.
6. Most importantly, you are capable of so much more than you think.
There is a life outside of him. For a long time, it didn't feel that way, but there is. You don't need your other half to be whole, you are complete all by yourself. It isn't always going to be easy — life rarely is. But you can do it. Your demons, your weaknesses, the monsters lurking in your closet, they can't stop you. You are strong and worthy of a great life. Don't waste your time with anyone who doesn't appreciate you or build you up to be all that you can. There are days you may feel like you're fighting an uphill battle, but you've made it through every disaster to this point and you'll conquer the next one, too. Do not ever feel like you aren't enough because I promise you that you are.
It is a scary thing to walk away from everything familiar and try something new, but I can honestly say that, as unsure as I may have been, I don't regret anything. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am exactly where I need to be. It's like the last few lines of my favorite Robert Frost poem say, "The woods are lovely, dark, and deep / But I have promises to keep / And miles to go before I sleep."
There's a lot of life left to live and I, for one, can't wait to see where my next set of miles take me.
