Ah, summer. A time for rest, relaxation and slowly dying from heat stroke every time you step into the sunlight. All of the joy and happiness that summer break brings to us, of course, has to be balanced by something as equally terrible and horrific — for many, it’s the fact that the best vacation months of the year are spent suffering through countless hours of sweaty misery whenever you leave your home, car or work building. After three blistering months in the eternal toaster oven that is known as Southern California, I have reached my limit. Here is a list of 33 things I would rather do than live in my own house for one more second of climate change-induced heat.
1. Go to the gym.
2. Swim in a pool of maple syrup.
3. Never eat pizza again.
4. Wake up at 4 a.m. every morning.
5. Donate three pints of blood.
6. Watch “Marley & Me.”
7. Get hired by Michael Scott.
8. Wear a paper dress in a thunderstorm.
9. SUOA (Speak Using Only Acronyms).
10. Fight Rhonda Rousey.
11. Write a 10-page paper on the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
12. Sell my kidney.
13. Read every death scene from all of the "Harry Potter" novels.
14. Cut my hair into a mullet.
15. Shave my dog.
16. Use only port-a-potties.
17. Eat a ghost pepper.
18. Do my laundry.
19. Learn calculus.
20. Talk to a telemarketer.
21. Cancel my Netflix subscription.
22. Watch a football game.
23. Vacation in Antarctica.
24. Actually do the assigned reading for class.
25. Throw away every pair of sweatpants I own.
26. Eat the orange Starburst.
27. Invest all of my money in one of Tom Haverford’s business ideas.
28. Get banned from Target.
29. Pay my tuition without financial aid.
30. Watch the "Minions" movie.
31. Sleep on a bed of nails.
32. Adopt a pet tarantula.
33. Give birth.
Stay cool out there, kids.
