Clown attacks in America are a national crisis. However, there is no need to worry. Through extensive research, I have found 30 simple and effective ways to prevent a clown from attacking you.
1. Don't leave your house.
Leaving the security of your own home is dangerous. Avoid this at all cost.
2. Drop out of school.
You have been wanting to do this for months, do it now and blame it on the clowns.
3. Cancel all your plans for the next six months.
Having a social life is a huge risk.
4. Fake your own death.
The clowns can not attack you if you are already dead.
5. Disown your family.
Your family can not be trusted. Your little brother is probably a clown too.
6. Stop going to the gym.
Clowns will not be able if you weigh 400 pounds.
7. Become clown yourself.
They will accept you as one of there own and will not attack you.
8. Fake a deadly disease.
Start a GoFundMe to validate your disease and make it believable.
9. Become John Cena.
They can not see you.
10. Wear only camouflage.
Again, they will not be able to see you.
11. Break up with your significant other.
They are probably a clown.
12. Get a puppy.
Train the puppy to attack clowns.
13. Use FAVOR for every meal you eat.
Going to the grocery store or going out to eat is simply too dangerous.
14. Run 10 miles every single day.
This will pay off if a clown ever tries to chase you.
15. Hire a bodyguard.
No one will attack you if you have a bodyguard.
16. Never sleep.
Sleeping is dangerous because you are not aware of any surrounding clowns.
17. Carry a golf club or baseball bat everywhere you go.
The clowns will think twice before approaching you if you have a weapon.
18. Go to your 8 a.m.
To be honest, if you do not want to go, I doubt a clown will go.
19. Delete all social media.
One of your Facebook friends might be offended by your latest post, and hire a clown to attack you.
20. Do not participate in Halloween.
This should be obvious. Halloween gives the clowns a reason to walk around normally.
21. If you see a clown, draw a circle around yourself.
It worked for Spongebob when a sea bear was attacking, I am sure it will work for you with clowns.
22. Live in a tornado shelter underground for six months.
This should all be over in six months.
23. Become a black belt in some form of martial arts.
When you receive your black belt, wear it everywhere... even in the shower.
24. Move to a foreign country.
Are clown attacks happening in England? I didn't think so.
25. Legally change your name.
The clowns will not catch on until it is too late.
26. Do not walk anywhere.
Clowns are fast. Run or use Heely's to get to any where you would normally walk.
27. Start a "Clown Awareness Club" at your school.
Protecting others is basically protecting yourself.
28. Take advantage of campus carry and carry a gun everywhere you go.
It is only illegal is you get caught.
29. Never go anywhere alone.
Carry a scarecrow around if you cannot find a friend.
30. Stop being dumb and just follow general safety guidelines.
It is not hard. If your mom would not want you doing it, do not do it.
