For the last few weeks, I have been working as a bartender in a small town dive bar. I absolutely love it-- this is a job that I will want to continue to do for the rest of my college career and possibly even after. But just like every position in the service industry, there are some things I wish my customers knew.

1. No, I’m not judging your drink choice.

I actually couldn’t care less. Just don’t be rude when you order it.

2. I am however, judging you if you don’t tip.

You don’t have to tip a lot, or after every drink, but come on. I make way less than minimum wage, I need tips to survive (and if you are spending more than $50 I think you can manage more than $1 tip). I understand that not everyone necessarily deserves a big tip, but something is nice.

3. On that same note, I am, in fact, giving you as many one dollar bills as possible to hopefully get a better tip.

If you hand me a 20 dollar bill for a drink that was $4.50 you better believe that you’re getting two 5’s, five 1’s, and two quarters.

Please tip me.

4. If you don’t know what to order, please don’t say “surprise me."

I most likely don’t know what you will enjoy, and if you don’t like it you still have to pay for it.

5. I don’t control the prices of the alcohol, and I can’t alter them.

Please stop yelling at me.

6. I’m not going to pour you premium liquor and charge you for well.

You get what you pay for.

7. DON’T JOKINGLY ORDER DRINKS.

If you yell across the bar “Jack and Coke” and I don’t know you are joking, you will still have to pay for the drink when I bring it to you.

8. If you ask me for a recommendation I will most likely suggest drinks that are made with more expensive liquor.

A more expensive drink usually means a bigger tip- sorry not sorry. It's my job.

9. Don’t get an attitude if I ask to see your I.D.

I can lose my job if I serve a minor, the bar can lose its liquor license, and I really like having a job.

10. I don’t have to tell you why you’re being cut off.

It’s most likely for your safety, as a bartender I am legally obligated to not serve you too much, but it could also be because you were being rude to me or my barback. You may never know.

11. If I call you a cab, get in it.

If you don’t, the next call might be to the police, and neither of us want that.

12. No, I’m not going to make your drink a double and only charge you for a single.

13. No, I’m not going to “accidentally” knock over your nearly empty drink so you get one on comp.

14. No, you cannot get one more round after last call. It’s last call for a reason. And I want to go home.

15. No, I can’t extend happy hour deals for you.

16. No, tip can’t be part of your card minimum.

That's not up to me, either.

17. I AM NOT ALTERING THE RECIPE OF A COCKTAIL.

If you ask for a specific cocktail “but make it a double,” you are changing the dynamic of the drink. I will make you the drink and you can buy a shot on the side. Then, if you don’t like the taste of your drink, you compromised its integrity, not me.

18. Thank you for telling me how pretty I am, now stop sexualizing me to your buddies.

It's not cute, or compelling.

19. You can’t make up your own drink recipe (and name) and then get mad when I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I know you're doing it. Again, it's sort of my job.

20. Stop blatantly asking people to buy you drinks.

You’re pestering them, and it might be enough for me to kick you out (and yes, I can do that).

21. Stop asking about that person’s service dog.

It is a hard working pupper wearing a vest, leave them alone and let them do their job.

22. Don’t expect me to stand and talk with you for 20 minutes when the bar is busy.

I have to talk to everyone. I probably don't even want to talk to everyone.

23. If you don’t like what’s on the jukebox, you don’t need to yell about it.

Someone payed to play this song, just calm down, it’ll be over soon. Not everyone will like your taste in music, either.

24. Don’t play the same song on the jukebox more than 3 times in one night. Especially in a row.

Please.

25. I can’t control the size of the bathrooms. Trust me, I’ve tried.

26. Bartenders need to pee too.

27. And eat.

28. The volume on the TV stays off. Always.

29. Unless my boss told me otherwise, I need a credit or debit card to start a tab.

30. The old menu is dead.

It is old for a reason; that reason is so we don’t use it. Stop asking to order off it.

Bonus!

If we keep taking the dollar bills off the ceiling and walls, don’t get mad when the new one you place also gets taken down. It went in my tip money, so thanks.