Loss is a part of life. Most people have lost someone in their lives. But that doesn't always mean that it's easy to deal with, especially when the holidays come around. From November to February, all of the holidays seem to be centered around family, but a lot of people don't have one or have lost parts of their family.
My mother died in April of 2013 and Christmas was her favorite holiday. We stuffed the stockings every year as if Santa still came, even when I was seventeen and the youngest, the point where everyone knew he wasn't real (sorry, spoiler alert!). But, my mom liked it. You could see her light up around Christmastime. I set up the nativity scene every year because we had a beautiful, small one that I loved almost as much as she did. But the year she died, I moved away. I spent that first year with my brother, and then from then on, there was no trace of my mom in my Christmases. Yesterday, I cried over this in the store. I couldn't afford a $3 nativity scene at that moment and disappeared two aisles away to cry over the fact that I missed her.
For a lot of people, this is the reality. So, I'm here to help. Based on a few friends' reactions and suggestions, as well as my own experience, I've got a few ways for you to help deal with someone who is experiencing and coping with this loss or other similar loss during the holidays.
1. Be patient.
This one is the hardest one. It's not easy to be patient with someone who might seem totally erratic, emotionally. Disappearing behind aisles and crying in a Walmart is hard to see and even harder to deal with. What are you supposed to do when that happens? Just be patient. We might want things that seem so unimportant, but let us do these things. They're probably important. It's okay to ask why, but understand that we might not want to tell you, or that we might now know how.
2. Don't pity us.
We need your help to get through these holidays: we have you and we know that, but pity is sometimes a reminder of how awful it felt to lose this person, whether it be death or anything else. Trust me, we went through that pity thing (and if it's a new loss, we might still be). We still want to enjoy our holidays, it's just harder. Instead, try to remain optimistic -- not glaringly so, but know that right now, we need your optimism.
3. Forgive us.
We're probably going to say some mean things, especially if you have what we don't. We probably don't mean it. When we say we "have no one," we know we have you, but you're not the person we're missing. We're grateful for you, we love you, but remember that it's not about you, meaning don't take it personally either. This isn't an excuse for us to be rude to you, but instead, an explanation to help you understand why we are and how your reaction to it matters.
I'm not an expert in losing people and I'm not an expert on how to treat those you love that have lost people, but in my personal experience, these are things that need to be understood. We love you, we care about you, but we miss our other person. I miss my mom and I miss the nativity scene I used to set up for Christmas, but while I was crying in the wrapping paper aisle my friend's mom picked up that $3 piece of a nativity set for us to begin one in our own home. It meant the world to me and I cried on the ride home from the backseat where my roommates understood.
It doesn't mean that we aren't happy, or that we don't want to enjoy the time this holiday with you. We just need patience -- a little understanding.
Because, I mean, with your help, maybe they can have as good a holiday as my 2000 Christmas was.
