As a member of the Criminal Minds fandom, I have learned more about the physiological patterns of deranged serial killers than I ever thought I wanted. Agent Aaron Hotchner and his squad at the Behavioral Analysis Unit have tackled “un-subs” from all across the psychopathic spectrum, from the Jeffery Dahmers who trick unsuspecting spectators into eating severed body parts to the teenage boys who keep rotting, amputated heads in their refrigerators. Seriously, the long-running CBS show has aired a host of bizarre episodes in its twelve season reign, some of which have kept me wide-eyed and jumping at shadows after a night of binge-watching. The adorableness of Dr. Spencer Reid aside, Criminal Minds embodies the violence, the creepiness and the gore that we all expect of the genre of horror, except it’s just better. Here are three reasons why:
1. It is terrifyingly realistic.
This show will have you thinking that twelve-year-old Johnny from down the street is behind the recent murder spree in your small town. Its villains appear to be normal, everyday citizens, but they are really unhinged. They craft guillotines from scratch and chop off the heads of their helpless victims, or they slaughter entire families and then sit down to eat dinner at the table with the mutilated, bloody corpses. The most disturbing part? Some of the investigations the BAU handle are based on real life cases, making Criminal Minds downright petrifying.
Truth be told, I would much rather square up with Freddy Krueger than face any of the bad guys on Criminal Minds. At least I know a burned man with a razor-clawed glove and dream-torturing abilities isn’t real. But the sadists of the world who take pleasure in cutting people’s tongues out? Not so much.
2. It bypasses the horror movie stereotypes.
Utter the words, “I’ll be right back,” and you’ll die. Yep, we know how horror movies operate. Yet, in Criminal Minds, the predictability goes out the window. You don’t have to be the only black person in the cast to get butchered, nor a rambunctious teenager hooking up in an abandoned cabin in the woods. The antagonists on this TV show embark on homicidal rampages for very specific reasons. Some are thirsty for revenge or are suffering psychotic breaks; others are straight-up sociopaths. The BAU solves their cases by using a profile and exposes the sick preferences the killers harbor for their victims, adding weight to the bloodbath and making things that much creepier.
Surviving a horror movie is easy. Don’t experiment with Ouija boards or investigate the weird noise coming from your attic and you’ll live to see another day. Though, this is sorely not the case for Criminal Minds. On the bright side, once the serial killer is presumed dead on this show, he’s actually dead. He won’t magically resurrect a season and a half later and continue terrorizing people, so there’s comfort in that, right?
3. Its characters are EVERYTHING.
There aren’t too many horror movies where I care about what happens to the group of unlucky friends that find themselves in a frightening situation. Most of the time I’m placing bets on who will get slaughtered first. Will it be the blonde cheerleader or her pompous jock of a boyfriend? The heavyset guy will be killed next because he can’t run fast, right?
In contrast, Criminal Minds features a colorful cast of characters (in its first 11 seasons, anyway) that I do care about. The show dedicates scenes to illustrate the close relationships the members of the BAU share with one another and emphasizes the emotional toll that their jobs as FBI agents take. These characters aren’t disposable and dim-witted like those in horror movies. Instead, they are three-dimensional, and the chemistry of their personalities makes their fight against heinous crimes a lot more fun to watch.
Don’t believe me? Watch one exchange between Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia and you’ll see exactly what I mean.
We enjoy scary movies because it evokes spine-chilling fear and demonstrates bloody massacres on the big screen. Well, CBS network’s Criminal Minds is a better executed horror flick that’s over 250 episodes long. It portrays the worst of humanity, each episode starring an unbalanced individual that exterminates people in ways I didn’t realize were possible. Hold a man hostage and force a tube filled with hydrochloric acid down his throat? Hmm, I never thought of that one.
Its startling realism, its unpredictability and its troupe of actual intelligent characters makes the process of getting freaked out so much more enjoyable. Moreover, this show is guaranteed to satisfy your thirst for carnage, never shying away from displaying the blood-splattered crime scenes, the remorseless killers, and the dismembered torsos.
Just remember to switch on the cartoons after watching a marathon. You’ll thank me later.
