This past year I went through my first breakup, it was one of the toughest things I've been through. With my depression, I was terrified not knowing how I would survive. My depression was dreadful. I was in such a dark place. I thought terrible things about myself and felt that no one else cared about me, I see now that I was wrong but that was something I didn't see before. I was on the edge before the breakup, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember how worried my family was that they wouldn't hear from me ever again, but here I am, alive and well so I want to share three things that my breakup taught me.
1. Love and Dependence Aren't the Same
I am not trying to say I wasn't in love because I was, but my depression caused this unhealthy dependence on my significant other at the time. He was my safe place. I was so sure before that he was my only chance to be happy. He didn't really make me feel better about myself, but he lessened my self-hatred. I was happy with him of course, but I wasn't okay. The problem was I couldn't be happy without him. I needed him to escape from myself for any length of time. Looking back on it now I know that was really unhealthy but at the time I didn't, I just thought it was love. But the problem was I couldn't love myself without him, and I barely loved myself at all with him. It is very different to be in love with somebody and always want them around and feeling as though you NEED them around and that you can't be complete without them. Please be sure you know the difference.
2. Know Your Own Worth
This one is very difficult. I hated myself for a long time and felt worthless, so when someone finally took interest in me I was grateful. I finally felt like I was worth something. But that isn't true. He didn't make me have worth, I had it the whole time I just didn't know that. I didn't believe I was beautiful, funny, kind, and a person other people want to be around, but I was that person the entire time before him and the time we were together. I just really wish that I had known that because this fed into my dependence.I didn't think anyone else would ever want me. I thought he was the only one and I would be alone for the rest of my life but that isn't true. I have friends and I'm dating again. I now know I am worth more than I previously thought and that is very important. It's important to love yourself and know that you are worth more than just being half of a relationship. You are a whole person by yourself and it is important you know that.
3. Asking for Help is More than Okay
When you have depression or anxiety you feel that you have no one. You feel that nobody cares about you and knows your pain, but this is not true. Before the breakup, I tried to keep my pain to myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. After all, it was only me and why should anyone else hurt over my pain? That was what I thought so I kept quiet and only spoke to one person about the things I was feeling. After the relationship ended and the fear about what would happen to me kicked in. I started talking to my parents, my friends, and my aunt. I spent the first night with my best friend Sarah because I was scared to stay in my room alone. I had my father and my uncle come pick me up the next day because I didn't know what I would do if I was left alone in my dorm. I knew myself and I knew I would have shut myself off from everyone and made myself feel worse. So I asked my family and my friends and even my doctor for help. It was the best decision that I ever made. I am so much happier now, I just had to take the steps to get there.
Going through a breakup is tough but you can get through it. Your life will go on and eventually you will be okay.
