For many women and girls, and for some men, starting a family is a no-brainer, a lifelong dream. Part of it is our culture, obviously. Major religions emphasize the family as the central unit of life, and even those without religion sometimes people feel expected to become a parent. But it's not just a dream for me. I am living it. Late last year I gave birth to a beautiful son, and I have spent so much of my time growing and learning that it almost makes me dizzy. By no means am I done learning. My journey as a parent and as a mother has just begun, but I thought I would share a few things that I've learned so far.
1. You are never ready to be a parent.
People say this all the time. "You're never really ready." Don't get me wrong, there is much to be said for preparing to have a child, and I'm not discouraging that in any way because it is so important. Some couples try for years before they even realize their dreams of parenthood. Others become pregnant unintentionally. But it doesn't matter how long it takes, how old you are, what kind of finances you have in order.... Parenthood will stillknock the wind out of you, in good ways and bad. Especially in the beginning, you might burst into tears over how tiny your child's toes are, or the sweet sound of their cries. You'll mourn every time they grow out of a tiny onesie. You'll wonder why tiny scraps of baby clothes cost so much. You'll have days that you are so exhausted that you want to give up. The responsibility can drag at your soul. What if I mess up? What if my child falls ill? Why did I bring something so precious into such an ugly world? You'll hold your fingers under their nose to check for breath when they sleep more than a few hours at a time. You'll realize that it's too late to go back and warn your younger self of all the hardships there will be because now the baby isn't just a dream. They're real, and they need you.
2. Not everything comes naturally.
Hollywood and social media has done a wonderful job of showing us the natural bond between mother or father and child, but that isn't always reality. Even parents who have wanted and wished for children can have moments where they are unsure of how to relate to their child. Babies don't come with handbooks, but they do come with a built-in personality, and having a child means learning about them and trying to understand them, even when they can't say anything to you. Some parents experience gender disappointment and have a hard time accepting the sex of their child--a perfectly normal but disappointing phenomenon when parents have had a vision of their future family that isn't matched by reality. Some babies have challenging personalities and seem to cry no matter what you do, which can really wear on anyone, but new parents especially. And sometimes our hormones fail to give us the right signals, the ones that help us love and bond with our babies, and it can be really hard to work past those feelings when you know you're supposed to love your child. Parenthood is a chaotic mess of learning and growing.
3. The love you do feel will overwhelm you.
The love of a parent is a dull ache that never goes away, occasionally swelling in and out like the tide. It's a soft love, but also a full love. You will wonder how it could be possible to love anyone so much as you love your baby. It's so many different loves at once--the love of a best friend, the love of family, the love of a caretaker and teacher, and the love of a Creator. It's nearly impossible to describe because it is so broad and far-reaching. Loving babies that belong to your other family members, or to friends, is wonderful. But the love of being parent to a child is a love unlike any other. It will propel you through obstacles you would have thought impossible if you were doing them for yourself. When you love your child, nothing can stop you from using your whole heart and soul.
Women who choose parenthood are becoming fewer by the year, and I may soon be a minority. I surely feel that way in my friend group, but it's not something you choose to be cool. Choosing not to have children is a very valid life path and it suits many extremely well. But if you are reading this, wondering if you should choose parenthood, feeling pressure by those on the outside to "do more with your life" or at least something different, you don't have to listen. Having a child is so hard in so many ways, but I promise it will make your life richer in ways you can't imagine. It certainly has for me.
