Introduction

We’ve heard it time and time again. This one question alone can make or break friendships, relationships, and create an all-around negative vibe in the room. That one question is:“WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?” It’s the question that we hate to answer because usually, we are at a loss of the REAL reason why someone as awesome and wonderful as we are is still single. We come up with some clever reason like: “Well God hasn’t blessed me with the right man just yet” or “Because I know my value and I refuse to just settle for less.” We go on and on about why we can’t find a good man. Why all men are dogs and no good and why we just can’t find someone on our level. We have excuse after excuse and still no REAL understanding of why.

I am going to give you 3 reasons on why you may still be single. In this E-book, we will look at reasons why you are still single and what you can do to change it.

Reason #1

YOU

Yes I said it, and I meant it, and I’m here to represent it…well, I’m here to explain it. We are always the common denominator in our relationships. I’m not saying something is wrong with you, but there may be a few things within you that we need to tweak. In my book, “7 Days to Pray the Single Away”, we take the time to look within. To discover if we are really ready for marriage, what’s our motives behind marriage, and that we are ready for the submission that comes along with being married. We check ourselves before we challenge anyone else.

Do you ever find yourself attracting the same type of men? Whether they are unavailable, unfaithful, uncommitted, or just undeserving of your love and attention, you must UNDERSTAND it is something within you that is not just attracting them but entertaining them and encouraging them to stick around. Here are a few reasons to point to finger at the woman in the mirror.

LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM

I can hear you now, “Nakilah, I love myself. I know how valuable I am!” But do you REALLY? Looking back at the last few relationships you had, what was a common theme? Were they cheaters? Deadbeats or low-lives? Were they abusive or just unattached emotionally? What was the reason it didn’t work out? If you begin to see a common theme, you will begin to see how you TRULY feel about yourself. I was always attracting unavailable men. They were either in relationships (yes, I’ve done my time as a side chick. I’m not proud of it but it’s real), they were committed to their work, they were “not ready to settle down”, or they were always “busy” i.e. not that into me.

When I begin to evaluate myself I realized that although I thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, I also felt that I didn’t “deserve” for someone to be fully committed to me. Heck, I was barely fully committed to myself. I was unavailable to myself and to God. I was half-stepping with myself and God and then expecting someone to fully be available to me. When they weren’t, I felt it was OK to just accept the behavior because deep inside I felt that was all I deserved. I valued their satisfaction and fulfillment above my own. I was looking for their approval of my loyalty without being concerned with their loyalty to me.

I know where my issue of “unavailable men” stems from. They were just like my father, and I love my father. It was nothing for me to play the backseat while he handled business and when it was my turn I happily took what was left. I was doing the same thing in my relationships. It wasn’t until I recognized it, that I was able to deal with it and move on. Now I know that I deserve someone’s 100% because I am willing to give it to myself. At the end of this e-book, I will post the Hagar’s Affirmation. This is an affirmation that God gave me when I was discovering who I was. There is a part that says “I don’t have to beg for scraps because my Father has prepared a table before me”. You don’t have to beg for scraps either!

Feeling Unworthy

I know I know… you do believe you are worthy. So did I, but when I took the time to really look at myself, I realized I had been living an “I’m Worthy” lie. I have always felt that I was smart and pretty easy on the eyes. I was accomplished in my own right and I had plenty to “brag” about. To the untrained eye you would think “this girl really knows her worth and value”, but you would have been wrong. We have no problem accomplishing things like career, fitness, raising great kids, but when it comes to the men we choose we place our value aside and show ourselves how we really feel.

They say a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, the same is true for us. We may have some really strong links with our career, money, health, and service to others but when it comes to relationships and our choices of men, that poor little link is rusted, wore out and starting to snap. That chain that is holding us in life is running the risk of snapping and us losing it all because of that one weak link… a link that is usually at the top part of the chain.

I wrote a book called “Why Smart Girls do Dumb Things” and I looked at why seemingly smart women such as ourselves find ourselves in the dumbest situations. Often times those situations have to do with men. When we invest our time in men who cheat, or men that can’t provide, or men who don’t honor the sanctity of our relationship, we are in essence saying we are NOT WORTHY! That we are not worthy of respect, of love, of loyalty, of commitment, of being covered, and protected. We are saying that we don’t deserve to be loved like a woman should and the way God intended.

Our men are supposed to be our covering. Our umbrella and shield from the harshness of this mean old world. So when we choose to stand under a broken umbrella we are saying that we are choosing to expose ourselves to the elements, and hold on to an umbrella that doesn’t work. We pass up perfectly good umbrellas just to hold on to this one because we have some unhealthy loyalty to it. We will even come from under the covering of an awning (God) just to stand under our raggedy umbrella. In a sense, you do deserve to be wet. You do deserve to get the full effect of the elements because you are choosing to stand under a faulty umbrella… and do you know why you do that? Because you feel as though you deserve it. Somewhere and for some reason, you feel that you are being punished for something and this is the type of treatment you deserve. For me, it was because I had messed over a really good guy and felt that it was my punishment. I also thought I could fix the faulty umbrella I had. What I had to learn is I deserve a GOOD umbrella. I deserved one that would cover and keep me dry. I also learned that I could stay under the protection of the awning (God) until I had the opportunity to find the RIGHT umbrella.

Lack of Self-Knowledge

Sometimes we just don’t know who we are. We think we do, but we don’t. I hear you… “I know who I am!”, and you just might. Humor me for a second and just follow along. There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with someone who doesn’t seem to be “on your level”. They are nice and all that but they lack some fundamental qualities that you feel you need. You can’t get all the way comfortable with them and you just can’t put your finger on it. They are nice guys, kind, and considerate but they may not compliment your purpose. If you don’t know who you are and what your purpose is, you will keep finding men that frustrate you and make you believe something is wrong with you.

When you know your purpose and calling, just any man won’t do. Just like a man who knows his purpose and calling will look for a woman who will compliment him, you have to do the same. We are not just sitting on shelves waiting to be picked up by any man that just comes along, no we are productive members of society. We are active in our churches, communities, careers and we have purpose and drive. We are going places and we can’t drag around a man just to say we have one. Think of some women who had men who were not a compliment to their purpose… the first that comes to mind is Whitney Houston. Although Bobby Brown was in the same industry, he wasn’t a compliment to her purpose in life and it led her down the wrong path. Being connected to someone that isn’t there to help us fulfill our purpose will only hold us down. Also, when we know ourselves, we know how we can be a compliment to a man and his purpose. Remember, God created Eve to be a help-meet. So the man for you will 1. Have something for you to help him with. 2. It will compliment your purpose. If you know you are called to be a woman in leadership, you can’t connect to a man that only sees you as his drug runner. You can’t be called to be a woman handling the work of the Lord if you connect with a man that only sees you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. It just won’t work!

Before you start thinking that his career/ calling has to match yours, don’t pass up good umbrellas because you think they can’t cover you. I always thought I needed a man in ministry just like me, but what God sent me was someone who came alongside and assisted me in ways that only he could. We didn’t have the SAME path but was able to at least give assistance along the way. It’s all about the compliment. If the two of you can’t complement each other’s path of purpose, it will never work.

TRY THIS

I want to you to try this little exercise. I want you to take the last 5 “relationships” and I use this term loosely. Look at the last 5 men who were lucky enough to get at least 30 days worth of your time, or you spent time “making it work” with them, these are the men I want you to use for this example. Write down why things didn’t work with them. Was he unavailable, a cheater, was he abusive or aggressive? What was the reason either he or you ended the relationship? Now I want you to look at all 5 men. What is the common theme among them? That common theme is going to tell you how you really view yourself when it comes to relationships. It is going to give you a starting place for healing. Dig deep and see if it’s you. Are you not valuing yourself and your purpose the way you should? Are you not seeing yourself the way God does, and if not WHY? It may take a little time and a LOT of prayer, but it will be worth it.