Everyone knows what it can feel like to part ways with someone who matters to you. We grieve, miss their presence in our lives, romanticize all of their best qualities (or demonize their worst), let the time pass, and then, eventually, come back with a perspective of growth to reevaluate the relationship.
It's easy to search the space in your heart that you once kept open for them and want to fill it again with what they gave to you. And listen, being forgiving is wonderful. I'm the most forgiving person in the world. Jesus has nothing on my ability to go "No, hey, no big deal. It's cool. Let's go to lunch."
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But is that always the best course of action?
Here are some questions to ask yourself before deciding for sure whether or not someone is worth allowing back in:
1. Have they made you feel unsafe?
This can mean a variety of things. While physical safety is surely an important factor in this question, another that needs to be reflected upon is emotional and mental safety -- i.e., your general well-being. This can range from an overall feeling of unease in the way they treat you, to out-right behaviors that have made you seriously question whether they are someone you should be around. This may be the very reason that they are not currently in your life to begin with.
Examples of unsafe behavior include:
Obsessions with you or your presence in their life. This can range from new friends feeling entitled to your attention, to outright dangerous behavior such as stalking or threatening to harm themselves without your affections.
Manipulative and/or Malicious actions. Generally, when another person makes an active decision to harm you emotionally or put important things in your life (employment, relationships with others, etc.) in danger, there is very little trust that can be built.
Insensitivity towards you or your identity. Plain and simple, if someone does not respect what feels and does not feel safe for you, do not allow them into your space. If they do not use your pronouns, make worrisome racial or gender-focused jokes/comments, or actively refuse you your identity, you owe them nothing.
2. Do they make you feel inferior?
This is a big one that we hardly ever consider when gauging our emotional relationships. It isn't always easy to tell exactly what it means to feel inferior to another person. People can be pushy. Bossy. Pretentious and pompous about intelligence or skill level. Most of these, however, are just flaws -- the things that drive us wild with annoyance, but that we choose to overlook out of affection for that person. We know that their positive attributes always outweigh the way they have to plan every trip or know every answer.
What makes a relationship (any relationship) unhealthy is constantly feeling as if you are not enough in that other person's eyes. Does this person leave you questioning your own worth? Constantly berate you in ways that are not constructive nor affectionate? Have you believed that you are always to blame? These are basic red flags that say that your existence may not have been a priority to this person -- and that it may not be in the future as well.
3. Will they make you feel heard?
Obviously, your relationship has been shelved for a reason. Their perspectives, behaviors, or words forced you to continue your life without them in it. So your concerns need to feel validated. Have they reflected on the decisions that led you to being apart? Are they willing to work on the behaviors that separated you in the first place? Will they be able to take constructive criticisms from you in the event that these behaviors crop up again? You have to know that your thoughts and perspectives are both valid and respected, otherwise, you may wind up going in circles.
There is no one guidebook that will fit perfectly to every situation. But it's important to make sure you've allowed yourself the time and space to decided whether it is simply worth it to make yourself vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt again.
If you feel confident in your answers, and their intentions, it is an amazing feeling to reconnect with someone who matters.
And, as always, we should consider our own roles in the relationship and keep an open line of communication so that both parties can be safe in expressing their concerns at all times.
