The election is finally coming to a close and the entire world is watching in anticipation. History is made one way or another; America either becomes a communist hell-hole run by the first (presumably) female "president," or an overgrown, narcissistic oompa-loompa takes us all down with him into a fascist dystopia planning to destroy the globe. If you're like me, you're strongly considering leaving the country depending on how this turns out, so I've taken the liberty (while I still have it) to find some places you might like if your chosen candidate doesn't win.

If Clinton Wins:

1. North Korea

If the thought of Clinton running this country shivers your timbers, consider moving to beautiful and scenic North Korea! Are those pesky immigrants stealing all your hard earned money and jobs? Are they raping and bringing crime? Never fear! In North Korea, there aren't any jobs to steal and no money to be found, so you'll have no problem being stolen from there. Not to mention the only crime in North Korea is being perpetrated by the government, but I think you'll find that just like home. You may be worried about all the starving people asking you for money and food because, hey, who wouldn't be? But since you probably already ignore those same people here, you'll have nothing to fear from doing it there. You may even be rewarded for it. You might be worried that Clinton will gut the military spending for some dumb thing like healthcare. But not in North Korea! You will be near an active war zone with nuclear launches occurring regularly. Nobody in North Korea has healthcare either, so you'll be right where you belong. Honestly, who WOULDN'T want to live here?

2. Soviet Un... I mean Russia!

Like Trump, Putin is a man of action. Just look at how he's invading foreign countries and making it illegal for LGBT people to marry and removing opposition to his regime! What a guy, I tell ya. THAT'S a man who knows how to run a country. Aside from leadership, look at the size of this place! It might actually be big enough to fit your enormous and completely justified ego inside. You won't have to see anyone you don't want to because odds are they're far away anyway. If for some reason you can't handle someone, just leave an anti-Putin poster taped to the door. You'll never have to hear from that sorry loser again. Problem solved, right! Plus, the police are SO respected there. The government loves them so much they pretend the police don't exist to protect the lives of the officers! That's the way to do it. And, the people there are white, so don't even worry about THAT issue too much. It might get a little cold in the winter, but between the hard liquor and warm purr of the shotgun you used to shoot the neighbor who gave you a funny look, you won't have anything to worry about.

3. Saudi Arabia

Look at all the dirt for you to roll in! It'll feel right at home, minus all the bad stuff though. I mean, women's rights? Who needs those! You're smart enough to decide what's good and bad for them, right? And if she dares oppose you, you're well within your right to smack her and teach her a lesson. Just like Russia, don't even fret about those nasty homosexuals getting married. In fact, the government considers that as nasty as you do, so they'll personally discipline them for you. Doesn't that sound great? They're within their right to torture, whip, castrate, and even execute them. That's a proactive government, I'll tell you what. Now, I know you might be thinking that they're all a bunch of terrorists over there, but just imagine! Now you have the opportunity to go and kill them yourself. Go fight ISIS mano y mano. Imagine how your country will thank you.

If Trump Wins

1. France

France is lovely. One of the biggest problems in Trump's America is the prospect of cutting taxes on the extremely wealthy. But in France, they tax the living hell out of them! They don't deserve that money anyway, it should go to those who need it most, not those who earned it. They're also very forward thinking. Young women under 18 may have an abortion up to twelve weeks after becoming pregnant and don't even have to tell their parents if they bring any other adult along. Plus, it's all covered under social security so you don't have to take ANY responsibility for your actions. Isn't it nice when the government covers your ass on every front and doesn't make you hurt your pretty little head with any of the hard stuff?

2. Mexico

Some of you who are voting probably came from Mexico or further south, so maybe you can do our country a favor and go back before you get manually deported? I mean, you already have family there that you left behind (maybe to go back to, who knows), and if you're lucky maybe even a job! But for those of you who aren't from Mexico or any of the little Mexicos, you can enjoy it too. I mean, if you like minorities so much, maybe it's worth the experience of actually being a minority! You should hurry though, because this open border won't last long. If you get tired of it, though I doubt you would because everyone down there is a visionary and a dreamer, there'll be a big fat door in the wall for you to come back. You'll just have to prove your citizenship again because you'll probably be as dark as the natives. Can't risk letting that stand in your way, right?

3. Sweden

Finally, all you women will have a place to go where the weather is just like your moods: extreme and always changing. One day sunny and bright, next day icy and cold. Aside from that, it might be interesting going to a country where the distinguishing feature is being blonde and white. Some of you will fit right in, and others will bring much needed diversity. Besides, that's what you do right? Abolish any sense of culture because it doesn't include other cultures? Gee, wonder why white people don't have much culture. Of course, it'll be super great having a country where you can literally watch climate change unfold. Take some pictures of your house underwater, that'll convince the rest of us. Or, if you're really dedicated, stop hugging your trees and take an endless video of the snow line receding in the spring. Maybe that'll lend your ideas some credibility. Of course, maybe it's just spring so... I don't know.

So that's it! No matter who you support, now you know some of your alternative living spaces on this beautiful blue marble in space called earth. Even if you decide not to leave, just know there'll be plenty of others as angry as you that you can go form a support group with.

*Disclaimer: I don't usually do satire so I have no idea if this is good or not. Can you even tell it's satire? Let me know please. And for the love of God, Buddah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Zeus, and Allah, know that this is fake. I intentionally made fun of every stereotype I could think of and don't believe any of the things I said. Well, maybe a few, but I'll let you guess which ones those are. So yeah, this is satirical.