It was barely a month into my senior year in high school. I had just competed in my very first cross country meet on a trail of orange lines spray-painted on half dead grass. That was where I took my last picture with her.
You get a lot of little hooks like that. Things that snag you. Memories that change. Trinkets with a new meaning, a new heaviness in your hand. That’s what happens when you lose someone.
It’s been three years since my mom died from suicide, and I've learned a lot — not in spite of the heartbreak, but because of it.
1. Life is not about avoiding pain.
After losing someone close to you, it’s easy to withdraw, to keep from getting close to people because you don’t want to get hurt again. If you want to know my take on "keeping your heart safe,” here it is:
They say don't get attached to a kitten that you're going to give away, a sheep you're raising to auction off at the fair, or a kid who wasn't afraid of monsters that followed you through a door into your world. But hey, Sully and Boo had a beautiful adventure. It was hard to say goodbye, but the time they had together was sweet. Life is not about hiding your heart so it doesn’t get hurt. Don’t be afraid to love deeply. You'll have lived more than the people who told you to be more careful.
2. Not everything happens for a reason.
There is not a single good reason that my mom killed herself. Yet, as hard and awful as it was for me and my family, God has made good things come out of it. Just one of those things is that I have a beautiful new compassion for people in pain.
This is not how it is: God planned that my mom would kill herself...so that I would learn compassion. There are not words to describe how screwed up that would be. This is how it is: My mom died by suicide…because of that, God was able to give me compassion in a way I wouldn't have had otherwise.
When I'm old and I look back, I know I'll see even more good that came from this — things that I never would have thought of. Of course, knowing that it will turn out for the good doesn't take away the pain, but it can make it a little easier.
3. It won’t be this bad forever.
Your skin is used to colder bones, it's warmer in the morning. ~from "Pantaloon" by TWENTY ØNE PILØTS
When your world is shattered, you don’t get over the pain. You get through it. The hurt will drag on for a long time, but please don't give up. Don't give up on life. Don't give up on yourself. It gets better. You need to believe it — it gets better.
