What has a big red nose, white skin, and typically tells really lame jokes? No silly, Donald Trump has orange skin! In all seriousness, yes I am talking about clowns. If these permanently-smiling creatures were not already a tad creepy, try adding a knife. Lately a lot of talk about terrorizing clowns has been buzzing as more and more clowns appear across the United States. But why is this such a scary concept? Aside from the fact that anyone carrying a knife for no particular reason is a bit startling, people are still extremely spooked by clowns. For one, there is Freud’s theory: “the uncanny”, which consists of an unsettling feeling resulting from seeing something that is familiar yet somewhat distorted. We also have horror movies to thank for the relatively accepted fear of clowns. However, I think this fear of clowns more closely relates to our fear of remembering what it felt like to be an outsider. I’m talking about teen angst here. The frosted tips-boy-band phase we all long to forget. These clowns may simply be lonely and don’t know how to express their feelings. They probably got bored of endless nights of watching Netflix and eating Easy Mac (nonchalant cry for help because those are my plans for fall break…) But maybe these clowns are really just misunderstood and simply need a friend!

If you started to sympathize with these clowns thanks to that wrinkle of nostalgia, then you have just failed my test. THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE. Only the strong and ruthless will survive! The clowns are real! They are carrying weapons! And they are hiding behind more makeup than RuPaul! But fear no longer, I have conjured up 3 fool-proof ways to avoid getting attacked by these clowns.

1.Embody the BoBo.

The most obvious way, and the one I will most likely exploit this Halloween is to … become the clown. What better way to protect yourself than disguise yourself as the predator? Mimicry, a basic biological defense mechanism, occurs when harmless animals (normal-not-clown-wooster kid) disguise themselves as dangerous predators (killer clowns). If the killer clown does see you dressed as a killer clown yourself, I assume 1 of 2 scenarios will ensue.

Scenario 1:

Clown to himself: “Wow, this clown may be even more psycho than me, better not attack this guy!”

You to yourself: “Victory!!”

Perks of scenario 1: Not a target, and will not get attacked.

Scenario 2:

Clown to himself: “Wow I need to team up with this guy. I could use the help attacking these Wooster kids”.

You to yourself: “Alright not the best situation. But hey, now I am on the enemy’s side so I for sure won’t get attacked.”

Perks of scenario 2: Clown likes you. You now have one more friend. You can warn friends when clown wants to attack. You can help clown target that annoying kid that always does better on exams than you… (totally kidding-I am a pacifist I swear).

2.ASSERT. DOMINANCE.

When I say assert dominance I am not referring to standing on your tip-toes with your arms above your head like you would with a bear. No. This is more of a passive-aggressive intimidation tactic a la Mean Girls. We have got to make this clown feel like he cannot touch us because honestly, bitchy looking girls/guys can be just as scary as clowns. This means we have to make sure our makeup is always on point, our clothes are even more colorful, and our hair is even bigger than the clowns’ (fill it with secrets like Gretchen). If we are always this prepared then just one icy stare and those clowns will be running.

3.The Carl

This final step is debatably the smartest method, but also is a great way to make friends! Take that clowns! Bet ya didn’t think your tactics would help build community! In the next few weeks you need to search your halls, classrooms, and dining halls for the Carl’s from Jimmy Neutron. You know, the weakest links. You need to create a friend-group where you are the most agile and swift. Therefore, if you happen to be attacked, well, you will be able to make it. Now a critical part of this new friendship is that you cannot get attached to the Carl. Once you get feelings for the Carl, then the plan will backfire and you will end up having to help Carl and your chance of death will increase exponentially. Alright so maybe this isn’t the best method of building community, but hey this is basically The Hunger Games, every man for himself!!!!

That is all for these pro-tips for staying safe amidst this clown madness. Hope you all have a safe Halloween and may the odds be ever in your favor.