These "Cards Against Humanity"-esq quotes, said by my Philosophy Teacher, are absolutely hilarious(even without the context). But be warned--it is dark humor and may be offensive.

1. “If there’s life on Jupiter, it’d be like Texans from Hell”

2. “Cook book idea: I gotta get Paula Dean to sign off on ’50 Shades of Gravy.’ It would sell millions!”

3. “Water? You drink water? You know who else drank water? Hitler.”

4. “We should go to Australia and stomp out every platypus in existence so mammals make sense again. Stop it Australia”

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&so...

5. “The only way to win at life is to outlive people”

6. “Those super realistic video games that look like scenes from movies… I don’t know why the porn industry isn’t all over that”

7. “You have no idea how much time I spend looking up slang on google to make sure I’m using it correctly”

8. “Teaching college students makes me feel young. Makes me feel ‘On Fleek”

9. “I wish cats could talk to me, so it could scream ‘you stupid SOB! Come feed me!’ instead of the interpretive dance of urination.”

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&so...

10. “Being dizzy is kinda like being drunk.Kids can’t buy alcohol, but they can roll down a hill.”

11. “Kids don’t want parental approval. They want candy.”

12. “I was a crest toothpaste kid.Colgate is of the devil.”

13. “If you spray deodorant outside of your shirt, it smells good… there’s no bound my laziness will not surpass.”

14. “My brother replaced his end of the world morphine with end of the world ever clear”

15. “I was in love with Texas for a week…there is no flatter place on Earth”

16. “Dashed Hope, Minnesota.We Give Up, North Dakota.Cant places come up with more creative names?”

17. “You start thinking bad thoughts when your blood sugar gets really low…but then you die, so it’s okay.”

18. “I think of tequila as ‘bad idea helper.’ Take ‘I should take off all my clothes.’It’s an idea that’s always there, but it’s tamed down without tequila.”

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&so...

19. “I know when I had too much codeine cough medicine because I slithered around the house like a snake”

20. “With my luck, when I die, I’ll just have ‘Ice Ice Baby’ stuck in my head for the rest of time”

21. “ “Drop a bunch of sharp of sharp aluminum in a hurricane. It’d be awesome! A weaponized hurricane. Just imagine a hurricane with razor sharp bits of aluminum coming out of it. We could destroy Florida once in for all. It could be the next Sharknado. Murdercane."

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&so...

22. “Fashion is a crime. A waste of money. Make everyone wear utilitarian clothes and flip flops!I would be so down for that.”

23. “My wife said I could never own a Taser because the first thing I would do would be tase myself and then the cats. Well, of course I want to know what it feels like. One day I will be tased. On purpose. Hopefully not by a cop.”

24. “What’s that? My seeing-eye-dog. What’s that? My seeing-God-lizard”

25. “The best thing Billy Ray Cyrus ever did was give birth to Miley Ray Cyrus”

26. ”Really, that’s the best you can do? I would fake a heart attack, that’s my go-to move.”

27. “How do you and other philosophers sleep at night? Vodka.”