What do you do when the two people who are supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what happens, die? This is a reality for so many young people that is rarely talked about. Death knocks on everyone's door eventually. I mean, most children have to say goodbye to their parents in their lifetime, but most people also get many years with said parents.
My dad was sick for as long as I can remember. He was never able to go play ball or run around the yard, his lungs couldn't handle that. He was amazing though, despite his illnesses he had an extremely successful business and provided an amazing early childhood for myself and my siblings. I never remember thinking "My dads really sick" or "My dads different than other dads" because he truly was amazing. He was funny, kind and compassionate which made me the epitome of a daddy's girl. Happy memories began to fad the Summer he passed. It wasn't obvious to me that he was getting worse, but it was to everyone else. He was even in the hospital on my birthday, about a month before he passed. When he got out, he made it up to me and all was good in the world, for a few weeks. The night before he entered the hospital for the last time, I was a grumpy little shit. He even told me if he didn't have to yell at me so much, he wouldn't be so sick. He didn't realize those words would stick to me years later. I woke up in the middle of the night to my father not being able to breathe.. I ran and got his medicine for him, and fell back asleep very quickly. I woke up in the morning and my dad was no longer there.. My mom (they were separated at the time) had come and taken him to the hospital briefly after I dozed off. I'm not sure if I saw him much before he was transferred to a bigger hospital and placed in a medically induced coma. I visited often, but for the first time in my life, one of my parents was on a ventilator. My father was taken off life support on August 20th, 2004. I was 11.
My mom, my rock, shielded pain very gracefully. We went on vacation, had nice things. We were busy and had no time to cry. She was the strongest women in this world because honestly I never remember her crying.. She only smiled when she thought of my father. I'm pretty sure she did that for us. I graduated high school, started a family, and settled down. My mom moved an hour away but I saw her almost every weekend and spoke to her every single day. She was still my rock. The pain of losing my father was so distant 14 years later. I didn't even realize the pain that was awaiting me.
Thanksgiving is a not for me anymore. My mom spent all day cooking. She made a delicious pread and tonnns of deserts. After dinner, my brother left and my husband decided to take a nap while my mom, my kids and I sat on the couch and watched a football game. We laughed. We talked. The kids made us happy. She was there. A little before 6:30 PM, my mother got up to make a drink and abruptly went outside, leaving her phone and her drink behind. Within 30 seconds I heard a loud crash. I slowly got up and found my mother unconscious outside. To make a long story short, my mother was pronounced brain dead the following day. My mom was able to give the gift of life. So not only did she give me life, I got to witness her be an organ donor. Even in death, she was the most amazing and selfless women in this world. I will miss her smile the most. She had a smile that could brighten up your darkest days and distract an entire room. Writing about my mom is still hard, still so new. I can say losing a parent as an adult is so much harder then it was a child. Probably because she did shield me from the pain so, so well. Missing my mom has become a part of my new normal. People say some days are worse than others, as everyone says, but for me, some moments throughout my days are harder than others. All l know is that every day, whether it is a brief moment or the majority of moments, I break down. The pain of losing the women who have shaped me into the mother, friend and person that I am is unbearable. I see people posting about how they couldn't do it without their mom. I was you. I am you, and honestly, you just do it. It's not pretty, its a lot of ugly messy sobbing tears, but I do it. I may not be graceful like my mom was, but I do it. I am her daughter, I have that smile. She lives on through me and I couldn't be more proud to be her daughter. I don't know what exactly this "new normal" is, but I will be okay, for her memory.
So at 25, still so unsure of the world, I had lost both of my teachers. My entire being aches for their guidance and comfort. The reality is, that I don't want this to be my reality. I get so jealous of people who have both of their parents, especially people who have had their parents for decades upon decades. What did I do to lose both of mine? Why couldn't I have kept the one I had left for a little longer? What do I do now? These are questions that will never be answered. But the strength I have is indescribable. Until you know true pain, true gut-wrenching earth shattering pain, you don't know real strength. You don't know strong until it's all you have.
To those like me, who are so young and so alone without parents, remember your strength. Remember you never have to lose a parent again. Remember these raw wounds will shrivel.. They may not close but they will get smaller. I promise.
