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25 Thoughts I Had During Trump's Inauguration Speech

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Daisy Gray

Jan 23, 2017

William Marsh Rice University

25 Thoughts I Had During Trump's Inauguration Speech

Fusion

On Friday, January 20th, I slept in, avoided television, and spent the day reading Buzzfeed articles about Michelle Obama's fantastic (magnificent, really, best you've ever seen) side-eye. Despite the big thing that was happening in Washington, I figured it was best for my sanity to pretend it wasn't happening. However, I eventually caved and watched President Trump's inauguration speech, prepared to be impressed*. What follows is a collection of my thoughts that cropped up during the speech.

*A word here which means not impressed in the slightest.

1. Surprised he didn't open up with "and President ME."

2. He's definitely thinking it.

3. "Together we will determine the course of America..." See, that's exactly what we're afraid of.

4. Yes, please continue to exalt the will of the people, since you totally won the popular vote and all.

5. "Their triumphs have not been your triumphs." But like, they have? Taking steps to address climate change? Gay marriage? Addressed the war on drugs? Reduced unemployment? Who did these benefit, if not the American people?

6. "This is your day, this is your celebration."

7. "Please clap." -Trump, probably

8. Don't you dare talk about schools, or someone is going to set a grizzly on you.

9. At the very least, his fifth grade teacher would probably appreciate his deployment of simile.

10. I'm sure they would also wish that his rhetorical skills didn't end there, but hey, what can you do.

11. The American people...the citizens of America...the people...

12. Shhh.

13. This is a drinking game waiting to happen.

14. What do you think will happen on the next episode of The Bachelor?

15. Seriously, The Bachelor is more intellectually challenging.

16. The biggest lie from Trump's mouth thus far: "I will never, ever, let you down."

17. "What have I done???" -Paul Ryan, probably.

18. Can you build me a highway to get out of here?

19. Do you think he just has a jar full of buzzwords - radical Islamic terror, borders, America — that he’s randomly pulling from?

20. That sounds like a problem from my probability homework.

21. What’s the probability Trump says something I like?

22. Does he realize he just condemned a religion and claimed there was no room for prejudice in like, one breath?

23. This speech would be a very good rebuttal statement to everything he’s said on the campaign trail.

24. “You will never be ignored again” -Trump, and some guy on Tinder who won’t text you back.

25. Me too, Michelle. Me too.

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25 Thoughts I Had During Trump's Inauguration Speech

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

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All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

We don't buy into these... just like how we don't buy our friends.

8. "The whole philanthropy thing isn't real, right?"

7. "I don't need to buy my friends."

6. "Oh, so I'll bet you love to drink."

5. "Can you tell me some of your secrets?"

4. "What do you do at your meetings?"

3. "Do you guys haze really badly?"

2. "Is it just like in the movies?"

1. "Sororities are so basic."

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!