I've been around the block a time or two. Actually, this is the second semester of my junior year, which would put me at syllabus week number six now. So I think it's safe to say I've had some time to listen up and catch some patterns during syllabus week. Maybe it's just my school, but I feel like a lot of these phrases come standard with the universal syllabus week starter pack.

1. "Is everyone here familiar with BlackBoard?"

2. "You will definitely use the book."

3. *Freshman walks into bio lab* "Is this Computer Science 1500?"

4."I hate the book the school requires, so, sorry to wait until now to let you know, but you actually need this one," *prof proceeds to write ISBN on the board*

5. "50 minutes isn't enough to actually cover anything," *prof rolls eyes* "but legally I can't hold you longer than that so feel free to go at the 50 minute mark."

6. "You need to support your campus entities and rent the book from the campus bookstore."

7. "Make sure you show up to class, because I will keep attendance and you will fail the class if you miss more than three days."

8. "The final is on *insert date and time here* and yes, it is cumulative." *Collective groan from the class*

Then, 15 weeks later:

8a. *That one guy the week before finals*"Is the final cumulative?"
Never fails. Every time.

9. "If you open a computer in my class, I will not hesitate to kick you out. And it will definitely count as one of your three absences."

OR:

10. "Keep your computers out all you want. If you fail the class, it's your own stupid fault."

11. "I've created a class Facebook page for everyone to stay connected, so check that periodically, too." As if BlackBoard discussion forums weren't enough work.

12. "Is there anyone here who's never used BlackBoard? No? Okay, great!"

13. "The midterm is in 8 weeks and you need to be ready for it. It will be the single greatest challenge you've ever faced in your college career." *midterm turns out to be open-book/open-notes and literally only twenty questions*

14. "So here's the syllabus, read it on your own time. Now open your books to page 1 and tell me the answer to blah blah blah blah blah" Because spending syllabus day lecturing will get you that much farther ahead than the other classes in the university.

15. "Yeah, you're never gonna use the book so you might as well return it."Thanks for telling me a week ago before I wasted my money renting the stupid thing.

16. "Dude, do you have a pencil?"Seriously? It's day one, bro.

17. *You walk into English 210 and you're a business major* Prof: "By the end of this course, you'll have a passion for English you never new you had." I heard the same thing in English 150 and I'm still a bus. admin. major. Try me.

18. "We're all going to go around the room, stand up, say our names, and share all our deepest, darkest secrets because I hate all of you and want to make your life miserable." Why else?

19. "Everybody used BlackBoard before?"What are you planning on doing if somebody hasn't?

20. "Bring food into my class, and I will throw it away myself. And probably also kick you out of class for the day."

ALTERNATIVELY:

21. "Bring a whole stinking rack of BabyBack ribs, I couldn't care less. Just don't eat like a hog and drown out my lecture with your smacking and we're good."

22. "If you bring me dessert, I will definitely give you A's."I have legitimately heard this one in real life.

23. "If it texts, it dies." Phones are of the devil. Got it.

24. "Yeah, so here's my number--text me if you have any questions or if you'll miss class or be late--just don't text me after 10:00pm or you will die."

25. "Is everyone here familiar with the website BlackBoard?" IF I HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME I'M PUNCHING THIS GODFORSAKEN COMPUTER.

If you haven't yet, start keeping a list of the things you hear during syllabus week. You'll be surprised how much of a pattern exists among professors. They're all just a bunch of lazy people who want to just do their job, not necessarily exceptionally. So they use a cookie-cutter style and roll with it.

In other words:

These are syllabus week professors.
Syllabus week professors don't like a lot of work.
Syllabus week professors all do the same thing.
They are lazy.
Don't be like syllabus week professors.