The 21st Year Of My Life Made Me Realize My 20th Was Worth Living | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Student Life

The 21st Year Of My Life Made Me Realize My 20th Was Worth Living

Birthdays are the best when you feel as legal as you've become.

643
The 21st Year Of My Life Made Me Realize My 20th Was Worth Living
Unsplash / Loubna Benamer

When people say, "I miss being a kid," I can never relate. I don't even remember half my childhood, and the parts I do remember are bittersweet. Whether they're treasured memories or sad moments, I never want to go back. Ever since I can recall, I've always felt lost. I've always had a longing to be anywhere else than I was. I never felt like I was living fully, like I didn't deserve another year of life when the last had been so fruitless. Aging has always been a privilege for me, but what was the point of living such a boring existence? Why exist, when seven billion other people were already doing that? There was no significance to my life. I wasn't busy. I wasn't needed. I just existed. I knew and still know the right way to live is islamically, and I still have the tools to follow the right path. I still do my best to be a better Muslim. Nonetheless, there was still an itch in my mind that gnawed its way to my heart. Something was missing.

Year after year of school followed by stunted growth, in height, intellect and the power to do what Iwanted to do made me restlessly reckless. While other kids were enrolled in after-school tuition or partook in club activities, I went straight home. The first time I actually stayed after school was eighth grade, and the first time I actually joined a club was junior year of high school. The little things everyone had already done enthralled me. They were new experiences I wanted to overtake, or they were moments I wish would overtake me. I wanted to drown in the present. I was impatient for change. And gradually, the list of things I could do grew with every year.

But it wasn't until I turned 21 that I can say I've lived my 20th year of my life fruitfully. For the first time in my life, I can say I've lived fully. I've wallowed in the lowest pits of fear, frustration and disappointment and soared through the highest joys and successes.

This year, I finally started driving on my own to college, starting with the campus five minutes away and calling mom right after to let her know I arrived in one piece to sitting in bumper to bumper traffic for 73 minutes straight to reach the new campus that was technically only supposed to be 30 minutes away.

This year, I was able to get Subway with a good friend, explore new playgrounds in the area and swing in a hammock, staring up at the blue, blue sky in silence. For the first time, the silence didn't feel prickly and long. Instead, it enveloped me like the warm graze of bonfire smoke, curling around my extended hands.

This year, I learned how it felt to no longer be the effortlessly smart kid from high school. I have to admit, I fostered some terrible study habits that never broke the camel's back because luckily, everything always worked out in the end, until I turned 20.

Once I turned 20, I finally felt fully present and alive in the world. I wasn't lost, searching for something — an indescribable feeling, a sign, a someone or myself.

There was no teen angst of "trying to figure myself out," which I think I can believe I can thank my stabilizing hormones for. And stable hormones are great, kids. It's a totally different ballgame, one that totally engages your pre-frontal cortex and involves a lot less moody meltdowns over an expired bar of chocolate.

And for the first time, I could feel the wind whipping my face from the driver's seat with the windows rolled down. For the first time, I could choose to deal with my failures alone, without anyone else knowing and choosing to either reject or support me. For the first time, I didn't have to cry quietly in a bathroom stall because I could bawl my eyes out in the car after a hard day. For the first time, I could study at a cafe and choose to people-watch the hours away without repercussion. For the first time, I was entirely responsible to choose who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Having this choice allows me to define who I am.

And now, at 21-years-old, I still feel the urge to be somewhere, but it's more exciting than ever. I still feel the urge to exist on a larger scale and live a more meaningful level. But for now, I am quite content with how much my 20-year-old self has struggled to be actively present in this world. I exist, and I matter. I've made a difference in the lives of others and brought change in my own. I am proud of myself and hope that a year later, my 22 year old self can say the same about the 21-year-old I am now.

So to 2018, here I come to another year of lively living!

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

15 Mind-Bending Riddles

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

191111
 Ilistrated image of the planet and images of questions
StableDiffusion

I've been super busy lately with school work, studying, etc. Besides the fact that I do nothing but AP chemistry and AP economics, I constantly think of stupid questions that are almost impossible to answer. So, maybe you could answer them for me, and if not then we can both wonder what the answers to these 15 questions could be.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Most Epic Aurora Borealis Photos: October 2024

As if May wasn't enough, a truly spectacular Northern Lights show lit up the sky on Oct. 10, 2024

15377
stunning aurora borealis display over a forest of trees and lake
StableDiffusion

From sea to shining sea, the United States was uniquely positioned for an incredible Aurora Borealis display on Thursday, Oct. 10, 2024, going into Friday, Oct. 11.

It was the second time this year after an historic geomagnetic storm in May 2024. Those Northern Lights were visible in Europe and North America, just like this latest rendition.

Keep Reading...Show less
 silhouette of a woman on the beach at sunrise
StableDiffusion

Content warning: This article contains descriptions of suicide/suicidal thoughts.

When you are feeling down, please know that there are many reasons to keep living.

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

Power of Love Letters

I don't think I say it enough...

458219
Illistrated image of a letter with 2 red hearts
StableDiffusion

To My Loving Boyfriend,

  • Thank you for all that you do for me
  • Thank you for working through disagreements with me
  • Thank you for always supporting me
  • I appreciate you more than words can express
  • You have helped me grow and become a better person
  • I can't wait to see where life takes us next
  • I promise to cherish every moment with you
  • Thank you for being my best friend and confidante
  • I love you and everything you do

To start off, here's something I don't say nearly enough: thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do so much for me that I can't even put into words how much I appreciate everything you do - and have done - for me over the course of our relationship so far. While every couple has their fair share of tiffs and disagreements, thank you for getting through all of them with me and making us a better couple at the other end. With any argument, we don't just throw in the towel and say we're done, but we work towards a solution that puts us in a greater place each day. Thank you for always working with me and never giving up on us.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

11 Signs You Grew Up In Hauppauge, NY

Because no one ever really leaves.

26802
Map of Hauppauge, New York
Google

Ah, yes, good old Hauppauge. We are that town in the dead center of Long Island that barely anyone knows how to pronounce unless they're from the town itself or live in a nearby area. Hauppauge is home to people of all kinds. We always have new families joining the community but honestly, the majority of the town is filled with people who never leave (high school alumni) and elders who have raised their kids here. Around the town, there are some just some landmarks and places that only the people of Hauppauge will ever understand the importance or even the annoyance of.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments