I thought it would be really fitting to follow a theme of writing about one thing related to alcohol every day up until my 21st; enjoy.
DISCLAIMER: I do not condone underage drinking or the consumption of illegal substances, thank you.
Day 25: The fetal position. If you don’t know or understand what this means, then let me explain a little further. Sometimes, a shot doesn’t go down quite right. The best thing that I ever discovered was running into the bathroom, locking the door, and crouching with my head down in the fetal position. And even though it might take a few minutes for me to get my bearings, I generally start to feel relief from the nausea and then calmly proceed to walk out of the bathroom with my head held high and not smelling like vomit. I try to focus on something completely removed from the current situation. And the most common thing that I do is examining people’s bathrooms.
You notice what kind of person your host is because of the way their bathroom looks. You do a lot of personal shit in the bathroom, and if someone’s bathroom looks suspicious, then are they a suspicious person in general? I don’t know – these are just assumptions – but what I am suggesting is that next time you’re crouching alone in a friend's bathroom (and very often it could be a stranger's bathroom), look around you. See what you can notice about their space. Are they hiding anything? How long do you think it takes for them to get ready? Why are there seven different body wash bottles in the shower? Even judging shower curtains is totally more exhilarating than puking at that moment, so when exiting the bathroom and resurfacing to the outside world, it’s pretty refreshing. I took a little breather for a moment, but now I’m back, and maybe in 10 minutes will start drinking again and chuckling on the inside that I was almost a fucking bitch and pulled the trigger prematurely.
DAY 24: being ratchet - One time, instead of deciding to pee outside and crouch down like a normal woman, I thought I had a penis and tried to pee in cup. But wait, it gets better; I was inside my car doing this, and ended up peeing all over the backseat. Alcohol is a gateway to ratchet behavior. I cannot even begin to recollect all of the times that alcohol has made me do things on similar wavelengths of embarrassment. Maybe because I was drunk when they happened and the details are a little fuzzy, but also maybe because I’ve blocked them out of my memory, IDK. You see, if you don’t remember that you had a topless photo shoot just for fun in the street at 3 a.m. in Philly with your best friend's boyfriend as the photographer (also blacked out), then it didn’t happen. End of story. Obviously, I’m not saying that I don’t do things that I sometimes disagree with the next morning and have regrets about, but for the most part, all I can do is laugh at myself. I mean, everyone else is already doing just that so I might as well join in for a hot second and then pull myself together. Maybe try to make it to my internship on time after waking up with a shower curtain wrapped around me on the floor, of course lying next to two half-eaten quesadillas from Wawa.
DAY 23: On getting wasted for my birthday in 8th grade.
Literally downed maybe 3.5 shots that night. It was un-fucking-real. I was free, I was happy; I wore a two-tone American Apparel spandex dress with super fly Nike Dunk high-tops. And might I just add for a moment that my best friend and I were obviously matching that night. I got in trouble, actually, the Friday before the party by my homeroom teacher, who was notified by some random parents that I was not including their children, so I guess at that point I knew that this party was a hot topic and about to get real. How did I get alcohol as a 14-year-old, though? Actually, not that difficult; I got it from a friend of a friend. The hand-off was unthinkable, and in all seriousness, looking back on it, I cannot help but laugh at myself. I actually took an opened bottle of flavored Absolute and a random Gatorade bottle filled with God knows what from some kid I knew. And all of this was going down in my basement. Be there, or be gay. (Because that’s actually how we spoke to one another on our Facebook walls then). Safe to say, my night was exceptionally unmemorable.
Day 22: flavored alcohol versus plain alcohol is like comparing Wal-Mart and Target. Because in reality, there really isn’t any comparison. Wal-Mart, like flavored alcohol, looks great on paper; but in truth, most of the Wal-Marts that I have been to aren’t the picture perfect utopia of consumerism. Target, on the other hand, is Mecca. It is bright, open, smells of popcorn, and even though I can easily spend $50 on nail polish there, I’d rather do that than try to venture to a cheaper option and end up with colors that look like split pea soup or a bathroom in Ballantine.
Day 21: tequila > everything
Day 20: When you’re drunk, you are not superman/woman. In all seriousness, raise your hand if you’ve ever thought you were invincible while intoxicated. If you see a small redheaded girl running in heels down Kirkwood or College and then proceed to fall squarely on her face, don’t worry, its just my average Thursday night. Side note, I am having some really suspicious jaw problems as a result of a recent race home from the bars. The race only involved one person, me, and the other contestant wasn’t really following my game plan when I automatically started sprinting out of nowhere, so I guess I won, minus the obscene bruise on my chin.
Day 19: So I wasn’t really sure what to write about today, but I was thinking a lot recently about how awful I am when it comes to giving advice to people trying to get into the bars underage. My personal opinion: go with your gut. Literally, if you feel like you are about to shit your pants upon walking up to the bouncers, then you’re probably not getting in tonight. These people can smell fear (whatever that may smell like) and they take no prisoners when it comes to both guys and girls. May the odds ever be in your favor…
Day 18: Another advice day: the best things to eat before drinking, the best chasers, and the best post-game foods. Lots of people – especially girls – like to think that eating pretzels or chips while pre-gamming is a substantial solution to holding off any vomit, but in reality, the right way to do it is with dairy. If you want to not throw up, then think about eating some ice cream or drinking milk before starting on the alcohol; it coats your stomach lining to protect it from the acidity of alcohol, which in truth is the real thing that gets most people sick.
Chasers: should not really include energy drinks or anything sugary. I know that this totally goes against most people’s preferences, but the sugar is what’s causing your hangover, so any kind of chaser that is “pure” is good. Apple juice, coconut drinks, or any fancy juice blend that you can buy at Bloomingfoods is probably going to better for you than Redbull.
Post-game foods: if you’re not getting the cheesy bread from KOK with the cheese and marinara dipping sauce, then you’re doing it COMPLETELY wrong.
Day 17: Going back to the topic of bouncers: these people are being paid to look at hundreds of IDs every night. They see a lot of faces and usually don’t remember many. However, if you become a regular and end up actually talking to them, then they will most likely start to acknowledge you. Its easy to make friends with these people. Most of them are college students or college-aged, and aren’t really looking to get anyone in trouble. However, every once in a while, there is some asshole who ruins your night and gets you a citation or takes your ID.
But for the most part, they aren’t here to make your college experience difficult. They see everything, meaning that whatever tactic you are using to try to get in underage, they’ve seen it done before. No one is “outsmarting” the bouncer when they get in underage. Also, sometimes bouncers actually have to do their job. If you don’t like what happened to you at the door, save it. You don’t want to look for more attention if you’re already in a shitty situation. Walking away from a potential drinking ticket is a lot better of a deal than trying to save face for getting called out on a fake ID.
Day 16: Always go for the drink specials that are being offered that night, they’re usually worth it.
Day 15: During tailgates, it’s really easy to forget your morals and drink straight out of the handle/chaser. As a freshman, I really didn’t care about doing this, and still to this day, I often take pulls. You’re not really doing yourself much harm, other than potentially getting a cold or strep throat, but as you get older, maybe think to yourself: can I try to be just a little classier by not taking pulls? In most cases, the answer is ‘fuck no, I’d rather just drink.' And if that is your mentality, then again, may the odds ever be in your favor.
But in all seriousness, I am starting to really try to stay away from communal drinking practices. Sometimes, when I reflect on freshman year especially, I think to myself holy shit, I cannot believe I shared a drink with that person. Its not like we were sharing water on a dessert island together. Like, there is no real or apparent reason to be sharing alcohol at later points in college. Especially when you have your own apartment / pre-game spaces to drink in and do not feel obligated to pass around a bottle to optimize drunkenness. Not really sure why college kids still share drinks, but hey, at least we’re all in this together!
Day 14: Buying alcohol from CVS is like the vetting process for a presidential candidate. Not only do they want THREE forms of picture ID, but also need info such as your mother’s maiden name, where you went to elementary school, how many years ago you visited Florence and what the purposes of your trip were, or sometimes they even ask for a urine sample. Not to mention the intense and older father-like cop that stands in the store near the checkout. Like, come on, I don’t need the law shaming me on purchasing a $5 bottle of wine, let alone the cashier asking me for my social security number.
Day 13: Losing your shit: it's like, the epitome of drunkenness. When you loose your entire wallet/purse/phone you know it might be time to go home… Or continue drinking to forget about those problems and just deal with your life next morning. Regardless, losing your belongings when you’re drunk helps put things into perspective.
The morning after is a slow, painful realization that your parents are paying for you to go to school for four years and simultaneously misplace your possessions at least several weekends per semester. Usually regarded as the minimum downtime between high school and the real world, college is actually like one giant lost and found. Everyone is always losing their shit when they’re drunk, returning other peoples shit that they lost when drunk, or finding the shit that people lose when they’re drunk; you get the idea. Main point: Find my iPhone, 24/7 mobile banking, and always attempting to scrape up your dignity along with tracking down your things that are somewhere within the vicinity of 7th and Washington.
Day 12: Drunk eating: try to limit yourself to only doing this once a week. The freshman/sophomore/junior/senior 15-20 lbs. are a real thing, people.
Day 11: Hell is a place where you are the photographer for a group of girls at the party who ask you to take over 100 pictures of them for vanity concerns. Don’t be that group of girls.
Day 10: Hell is a place where you are in the middle of a group of guys who are spraying champagne everywhere on the Roy’s patio as a means to compensate for their small penises. Don’t be that group of guys.
Day 9: Be random. Go out at night expecting the unexpected. Don’t always roll with the same crew. Branch out and see what happens. Some of my best nights in college are with people who I don’t know and may never see again.
Day 8: Don’t try to buy drugs when you’re fucked up – or sober – I do not condone drug usage.
Day 7: Try to eyefuck as many people at the party or bar as possible and see what happens, it's actually really fun / makes some people feel uncomfortable, which is also fun.
Day 6: If you don’t remember someone’s name that you met while you were drunk, it's fine, they probably don’t remember yours either and are just trying to talk to a friendly face.
Day 5: Use a fake accent.
Day 4: Somehow, somewhere down the line, myself as well as all of the other people out there who successfully get away with underage drinking have been conditioned to believe that there are no tangible consequences. In truth, there are, and anyone who thinks that they are invincible just because they didn’t get caught is lying to himself or herself. I am lying to myself when I affirm that I’ve never been in trouble with the law or have played it cool even when I get bounced, however infrequent that may occur. Just because I’ve never really been in trouble doesn’t mean that I never will in the future. There’s only a few days left until my 21st, and I’ve made it this far without any run-ins with the cops (knock on wood), but what do I have to say for this? Not really sure. In all honesty, I deserve a medal of honor and maybe a bonus birthday gift from my parents for not having to call them from the Bloomington Police station ever.
Day 3: Enjoy being sober every so often. Going out and having a chill night and not drinking (or truly limiting your alcohol consumption for that night) is necessary every once in a while.
Day 2: Be there for your friends, even if they say not to.
Day 1: Enjoy being 21, because its all downhill from here.
