We all know that every single bite of sweet food an Olympic athlete swallows is instantly burned by the ring of fire that is their metabolism. Which means that instead of going to the gym to get a fraction as strong as them, let's fantasize about what we'd eat if we had the caloric freedom of the closest thing this world has to mutants.
1. A cooler full of spaghetti.
Because then I wouldn't have to worry about where to store the leftovers (also what leftovers).
2. At least five king-sized Snickers bars.
Just to make sure I won't be not me when I'm hungry.
3. A bottle and a half of Trader Joe's Sriracha.
It tastes better than the other kind. Don't ask why. There's a dragon on the bottle.
4. The yearly total of products from the Girl Scouts of America cookie sales.
I want those hard-working Brownies and Juniors to reach their quota. This is selfless.
5. Everything from every Tasty and Buzzfeed Food video I've seen on my Facebook newsfeed.
Give me all the easy-to-make pull-apart cheesy pesto bread and pizza cake (except have them already made please).
6. An entire chicken.
It's a fantasy of mine.
7. An entire turducken.
For the holidays.
8. Infinite Chipotle burrito bowls.
I'll make them all veggie so none of the guac costs extra (but who cares -- I'm an Olympian and Chipotle would love to sponsor me).
9. All the portions at every backyard barbecue party on the Fourth of July.
I'll definitely be hated across the country, but (probably) still not as much as Trump.
10. An Olympic swimming pool filled with mashed potatoes.
With the adjacent warm-up pool filled with gravy.
11. The opportunities from just one day of being the man in "Man vs. Food."
Because a woman has just as much right to be paid to enter a fried okra eating contest.
12. A tub of gelato. Two tubs.
With a side of regular ice cream. And froyo for dessert.
13. The blood of 100 virgins.
I finally don't have to worry about calories every time I want to cast a spell.
14. Definitely more than just a handful of chocolate coconut-covered almonds.
Because restraining from those things is harder to do than a 100m fly (or it's not. Probably not.)
15. A bathtub of pho.
I'd make sure it's clean first, I'm not an animal.
16. A stick of butter.
Because why not?
17. Buckets and buckets of all the real, crispy, sweet potato fries.
Not any that baked crap. Or the "sweet potato" carrot crap. I'm talking to you, Gwyneth Paltrow.
18. The Cheesecake Factory. The whole factory.
Now, all I need is Kendall Jenner and Tyler, the Creator's cash flow.
19. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
Because one factory isn't enough, and I know this place is real.
20. All the really fancy meals that a noble has in "Game of Thrones."
Like the three times that actually happens. Because everyone in that show is severely malnourished.
21. Definitely all the wine in "Game of Thrones."
That will be a lot more accessible.
22. And all the milkshakes that brought those boys to the yard to wash it down.
OK, even though we probably won't ever become Olympic athletes, I feel like I -- and we -- still have an excuse to eat all this. Cuz' life is just as hard.
And we freakin' deserve it.
