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Politics and Activism

21 Ways President Trump Will Change America

I pledge allegiance, to the Donald.

Dillon Havens

Jun 17, 2015

Purdue University

21 Ways President Trump Will Change America

USA Today

With President Donald Trump in the Oval Office, Americans can expect things to look very different beginning on January 20, 2017. The Donald is a businessman, and a damn good one. He's got his hands in real estate, hotels, golf courses, and even television, so expect him to run this country like the savvy businessman he is.

Here's what to expect in Trump's first 100 days in office.

1. President The Donald will issue an executive order outlawing mockery of his hair.

2. Air Force One will be renamed Air Force One-Percent.

3. The presidential seal will be changed to the Trump International Golf Club logo.

4. The country will be incorporated in Delaware and renamed the United States of America, LLC.

5. His cabinet will be filled with winners of "The Apprentice."

6. His walk-out song as he approaches the podium to address the nation will be "Donald Trump" by Mac Miller.

7. Unemployment will increase because he's going to fire all non-essential employees.

8. The winner of Miss USA will become First Lady, and the pageant will be held during a session of congress.

9. Corporations will be able to buy ad space on national monuments and in national parks.

10. His job creation plan will center on building more golf courses and hotels.

11. Ivanka Trump will be one smokin' hot First Daughter and an equally competent White House Press Secretary, able to make the mostly male press corps swoon.

12. Scotland will close their borders to American tourism due to bad blood with our new head of state.

13. A new cabinet position will be created: Secretary of Hair Maintenance.

14. If you bad-mouth the administration on Twitter, he will personally reply and call you a loser.

15. A horizontal section will be added atop the Washington Monument to form the Trump T.

16. He will relocate the capital to New York and run the country from the Trump Tower.

17. Apparently, Mexico will build a wall to keep its citizens out of our country and will pay for it themselves.

18. We will discover a new source of renewable energy to compensate for the dismantling of the wind turbine industry.

19. His book "The Art of the Deal" will become the training manual for all federal jobs.

20. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will be converted into a hotel, and renamed the White House Resort and Casino.

21. The one thing we won't see, is the popularization of Trump's hairdo.

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21 Ways President Trump Will Change America

I pledge allegiance, to the Donald.

1. President The Donald will issue an executive order outlawing mockery of his hair.

2. Air Force One will be renamed Air Force One-Percent.

3. The presidential seal will be changed to the Trump International Golf Club logo.

4. The country will be incorporated in Delaware and renamed the United States of America, LLC.

5. His cabinet will be filled with winners of "The Apprentice."

6. His walk-out song as he approaches the podium to address the nation will be "Donald Trump" by Mac Miller.

7. Unemployment will increase because he's going to fire all non-essential employees.

8. The winner of Miss USA will become First Lady, and the pageant will be held during a session of congress.

9. Corporations will be able to buy ad space on national monuments and in national parks.

10. His job creation plan will center on building more golf courses and hotels.

11. Ivanka Trump will be one smokin' hot First Daughter and an equally competent White House Press Secretary, able to make the mostly male press corps swoon.

12. Scotland will close their borders to American tourism due to bad blood with our new head of state.

13. A new cabinet position will be created: Secretary of Hair Maintenance.

14. If you bad-mouth the administration on Twitter, he will personally reply and call you a loser.

15. A horizontal section will be added atop the Washington Monument to form the Trump T.

16. He will relocate the capital to New York and run the country from the Trump Tower.

17. Apparently, Mexico will build a wall to keep its citizens out of our country and will pay for it themselves.

18. We will discover a new source of renewable energy to compensate for the dismantling of the wind turbine industry.

19. His book "The Art of the Deal" will become the training manual for all federal jobs.

20. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will be converted into a hotel, and renamed the White House Resort and Casino.

21. The one thing we won't see, is the popularization of Trump's hairdo.

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Because have you ever had to endure grilling your foot on a George Foreman?

1. When he just wanted bacon from his George Foreman grill

2. When he had money (and Jan) issues

3. When he got upstaged at Phyllis' wedding

4. When he unintentionally saved Meredith from rabies

5. When he wore a "bisexual" suit

6. When he had to apologize to Jesus

7. When his GPS drove him into a lake

8. When he had to deal with Ryan as his boss

9. When he couldn't fulfill his most generous empty promise

10. When this happened

11. When he struggled with a X-Mas break up

12. When he had to defend his generosity

13. When he threw a classy Christmas party for Holly but she had a boyfriend

14. When he had to stand up to peer pressure

15. When Toby was "Toby-ish"

This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig

Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

Time to be merry and bright.

"First Noel" by Leslie Odom, Jr

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Kelly Clarkson

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" by Michael Buble

"Last Christmas" by Taylor Swift

"The Christmas Song" by Josh Groban

"White Christmas" by Idina Menzel

"O Holy Night" by David Archuleta

"Believe" by Josh Groban

"Les cloches du hameau" by Celine Dion

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

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