Taking Buddhism in college was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. Growing up I never practiced religion (despited having a half-Jewish and half-Catholic identity) or philosophy, but for some odd reason, when I was sitting in the lecture hall the fall semester of my junior year, all of the teachings just fell into place and made sense. However, I'd like to think the second Buddhism course I took during my final semester made me realize how much this powerful philosophy meant to me...
I can trace it back to the night of the midterm. I entered the classroom with brimming confidence, thinking I would nail the exam because of my previous knowledge from the first class I took and the amount of time I took reciting my flash cards and notes on a daily basis. As soon as I got to the essay section of the midterm, Mara came out to play - he saw my commitment to succeed and began to throw me off course.
It started off with a panic attack, then it proceeded with multiple, negative thoughts:
"I can't do this. These answers aren't good enough. If I don't get above a 90 like the last time, my professor will be disappointed."
And with that, the tears began to flow. Not only did I feel quite embarrassed to get so worked up over my academics, but I cried in public, which is something I absolutely hated doing. In fact, most of my senior year was me beating myself up for having negative thoughts all of the time and feeling regretful for a lot of past decisions.
After the exam, our professor gave us an assignment called "The 21-Day Challenge." For three weeks we would create a habit and then reflect on what we learned after those 21 days. Once again, I beat myself up for having no idea on what I could do for the assignment, and it made me feel like I was a failure of a Buddhist. My professor took note of my struggle and we got to talk about what was going on in my head.
In response, she suggested for me to accept all of my feelings and to not make myself feel wrong for having them. In that moment, I thought she was nuts - I was already so deep inside my own negativity that I couldn't let my own emotions feel valid. But the minute I vowed to my new commitment, I was back on track and little did I know that everything was falling back into place once more.
Each day I had some sort of strong emotion - whether it was happy, stressful, or down-right upsetting - I let it all out. I'd write it down and let myself have feelings. And as soon as the challenged ended, the weight of beating myself up became lighter. I found out it's completely okay to have these emotions because at the end of the day, it makes me human.
That's the trick I learned about Buddhism - there's so many wonderful teachings to learn about walking on the path towards Enlightenment, but it's a matter of putting them into practice in order to stay on it. Thanks to these courses and my first 21-Day Challenge, I remind myself I'm allowed to have emotions, and it's okay if they're negative. Even when it seems like I'm constantly surrounded by pessimistic thoughts, I don't have to be them. Instead, I choose to be healthy and happy because I am so much more than my Mara - the anxiety, panic attacks, major regrets, minor slip-ups, injuries, heartbreaks, and everything in between. Besides writing down the emotions I feel on a day-to-day basis, I like to set five-minutes of my day to deep breathing and chanting "nam myoho renge kyo."
So here's my 21-Day Challenge for you: I challenge you to be a new and improved version of yourself for the new year. No matter how big or small your challenge may be, have unwavering belief that you can do anything you commit your mind to.
