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A Story of Satire: 2017 Makes Declaration of Entertaining Death, Destruction, Disease, and Depression

Critics Pan 2017 For Its Vulgarity and Callousness

James

Jan 03, 2017

Saint Martin's University

A Story of Satire: 2017 Makes Declaration of Entertaining Death, Destruction, Disease, and Depression

Unknown

Much criticism has been lobbed at the incoming new year, for its controversial comments at its opening Press Conference recently.

In a Press Conference this week, 2017 promised to be worse for the world than 2016.

“You thought 2016 was bad?!” 2017 chortled, choking with laughter, “Ohohoho…YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ANYTHING YET! YOU JUST WAIT!”

2017 reminisced about all the horrid acts committed by 2016: the Zika Virus, political debauchery, several celebrity deaths, terrorist attacks, shootings, Ebola, genocide in Syria, and other completely assiduous acts.

“You humans have had it far too good for far too long. You humans are weak. It is about time we make the Book of Revelations great again!” 2017 spoke sharply, chain-smoking a cigar, “The older years are laughing at us! 1914 is looking on in us spite…not pitying us all, wishing for worse than World War 1. 1929 is cackling…remembering fondly the days of when the stock market crashed and the Great Depression started. 1939 is in hysterics…that man is laughing at you all for thinking it’s all so bad when he started World War 2.”

“Boy I still look back in awe of the days of my great-great-great-great granddaddy. Now there was a guy who knew how to put on a show! 1347 was amazing…Bringing on the Black Plague like that?! Hilarious!” 2017’s knees buckled, as he slapped them with his hands, laughing maniacally.

2017 sat back and pondered, “Hmmm…maybe I’ll start World War 3! Or maybe I’ll drag humanity into another worldwide Depression. I do like the idea of spreading a deadly, lethal disease though,” 2017 refocused his goals of war and then snapped his fingers, “I got it! ATOMIC WARFARE! Yeah…I’ll drag Russia, China, all of Europe, and the United States of America into one giant nuclear war! I just have set the stage, put a plan in motion.”

“Anyway, pleased to meet you all...but all I care about is the entertainment really…ratings have to keep going up so I make my money. And well you see, death and destruction brings home the bacon.”

2017 stood up and walked off the podium in his bright red suit (which almost blinded people looking at it), gently caressing his mustache, and flashing a smile with his green Frankenstein-like face and bright yellow teeth and saluting the press reporters, who rushed towards the exit door, bursting out in a hubbub of questions as 2017 left.

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Let's face it, last semester you woke up with enough time to brush your teeth and get to class and even then you were about 10 minutes late and rollin' in with some pretty unfortunate bed head. This semester we will set our alarms, wake up with time to get ready, and get to class on time!

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Thanksgiving break is over and Christmas is just around the corner and that means, for most college students, one hellish thing — finals week. It's the one time of year in which the library becomes over populated and mental breakdowns are most frequent. There is no way to avoid it or a cure for the pain that it brings. All we can do is hunker down with our books, order some Dominos, and pray that it will all be over soon. Luckily, we are not alone in this suffering. To prove it, here are just a few of the many deranged thoughts that go through a college student's mind during finals week.

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A Story of Satire: 2017 Makes Declaration of Entertaining Death, Destruction, Disease, and Depression

Critics Pan 2017 For Its Vulgarity and Callousness

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Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

The ultimate list and gif guide to a college student's brain during finals.

What does the world outside the library look like?

Can I read this entire book tonight?

I should have gone to class more often.

Did the professor even teach this?

What is the lowest grade I can get on this exam and still pass the class?

Should I just drop out of school now?

Finals are ruining Christmas.

Just wrote three sentences so time for a break.

Need. More. Coffee.

What is sleep?

I'm too stupid for college.

Brain hurts.

Time for a Facebook Break.

I think I'm dying.

When will I ever need this information in the real world?

I can't read any of my notes.

I need my mom.

When was the last time I showered?

I need study snacks.

The struggle is so real right now.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

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