Ah, the year 2016. It seems only yesterday we were drunkenly wishing our friends and family to have a better year than last, and who wouldn’t when the only thing we had to listen to on the radio last year was the naive voice of Taylor Swift singing "Bad Blood." So far, we haven’t all killed each other yet, but don’t lose any sleep over it; there are still four and a half months left until we conclude this year. Since the internet will be bombarded with articles prepping you to make some more ridiculous choices for the next year, I thought I could give you some insight before all of that bull is released. Therefore, I have decided to do a recap or maybe better put, an ode to the happenings so far in 2016.
To start, I’d like to mention all of the music that has influenced this year. I don’t think that the 2016 mashups that will be made in the future will be any less than exquisite because half of them will be filled with songs from 2015.
"Hello," Adele, we know it’s you still on the radio having a "One Dance" with Drake because "This Is What You Came For" with Rihanna. I’ve been "Stressed Out" with Twenty One Pilots because they wouldn’t give me a "Ride," and Justin Bieber keeps saying "Sorry," which is something that makes me ask, "What Do You Mean" when Zayn says he’s done with his "Pillowtalk." It’s probably because Selena Gomez can’t keep her "Hands to Herself" while Drake keeps making your "Hotline Bling." But don’t fret, Charlie Puth is only "One Call Away," so maybe one day you can be as "Famous" as Kanye West.
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Thank you, 2016, we also can’t forget all of the wonderful trends that have graced us these past seven and a half months.
Don’t forget to encourage your children to get lip injections my friends; it definitely looks realistic and very natural just like the whole Kardashian family. Good thing Juvederm is FDA approved. Another thing that also looks very natural is putting glitter in the roots of your hair, it will give you that extra credibility at your next job interview and won’t make your braids look childish at all. Speaking of braids, don’t forget that the new thing is braids — two braids to be exact. Maybe with some added colorful extensions, because everyone should want to look like they just got out of jail. Last but not least, don't forget that you should wear your boyfriend jeans everywhere. Why do you think Patrick Swayze took Baby out of the corner? Obviously it was so even if you don’t have a boyfriend, you could strut your stuff in comfy looking boyfriend-style jeans.
Let us not forget we are in the midst of the most exciting election of all time.
Dear America,
Half of us are considering moving to Canada at this point, and no it’s not because of the wonderful choice of presidential candidates that we have, but rather because Canadian health insurance gives you money back when you get a massage. We should talk about these candidates for a moment because the choice is going to be a difficult one; either way our country will become a thriving nation. The first is an amazing entrepreneur who is the complete opposite of a chauvinist and will change America by deporting every last person; when he has his way we can officially welcome the land of the free and the home of the remainder of people who didn't get deported. What a dream. The other is woman who isn’t narcissistic at all and who didn’t lie to Americans via a huge email scandal, but rather she will change the face of America by becoming the first woman president ever. Yip dee do. My head is almost exploding at the great choices that we have this presidential election.
Hello, is anyone there? Don’t forget about that New Year’s resolution!
Just because it is August, it doesn’t mean that you can’t strive toward your rocking summer body that you promised your friends you would have at your work's New Year’s party. You may have been drunk when you were all sharing your resolutions, but you know for a fact you didn’t say which summer you were finally going to have your Pam Anderson beach bod. Maybe this year your resolution can be to not set any resolutions you don’t think you can complete — for you, that will probably mean not setting any.
