I’m in between my 20th and 21st birthdays, and never had a real relationship. When someone asks me why, I tell them “I never the found the right person to think about starting one with.” True, but there are so many other things I’d like to say. I’m almost halfway through a 4 year degree, and I’ve seen a lot of things happen in my friend’s relationships from the beginning of high school to graduating college. Someone’s life can drastically change throughout those eight years as an emotional roller coaster, and not know where they lead to. The emotional roller coaster is also between the two people who share so much, good and bad. Seeing these things was a roller coaster for me too. I was conflicted about whether or not I wanted a real relationship as I saw all happiness and sadness in my friend’s relationships. As the years went on of my single life, I realized I made the right decision by staying that way, and I want to share why. Please know I’m not writing to shame anyone in a relationship during high school, college or any other critical time of their life. I’m simply stating why I chose not have one because I’ve seen many things happen, and I’m sharing it with you only to put some things into perspective because I feel that a lot of heartbreaks happen because someone doesn’t see these things as possibilities, or they don’t know themselves well enough to realize there are obstacles like this. Relationships can be great sources of joy, support and a even a good future with someone. I’m only saying it’s not for everyone, and I’m one of those.

I had the emotional freedom to go places I felt I needed to go, and I want to go more places.

I went to college an hour and a half away from my hometown, and the decision was solely based on my needs. I liked the university for what it was, not the fact that it wasn’t awfully far from home or nearby someone I wanted to keep a relationship with. Now, I’ve accepted an internship offer only 2 months before it starts (common for a major in business). The internship is pretty far from my hometown and my university, also a decision I made solely based on what it does for me and me only. After I graduate, my goal is to experience living on the East Coast. This is why I want to keep that emotional freedom, I will until I get to a good place in my career and experienced everything else I want to experience on my own. Only after that, when I find someone I’m ready to settle down with, I can do it without regrets of not having those years to myself. I can experience everything I want to experience without thinking of how it’s going to affect my hypothetical relationship. If there was or is a relationship, I might have a hard time leaving and decide not to follow the path I saw for myself. Not to say that long distance relationships are doomed, because I’ve seen them work out. But long distance relationships only work with a certain mindset and commitment, and even then there are negative aspects to it. I applaud anyone that has made them work and stay loyal in them because it takes emotional strength.

I never had to choose between a relationship and friends.

My best times at college are only because of my friends, and I can be with them as much as I want. I don’t have to think about getting alone time with my significant other in addition to the time I spend with friends or have to tell my friends I can’t hang out to be with my boyfriend instead. The friends that I’ve been spending most of my time with since freshman year, I know are gonna be my lifelong friends. Because I didn’t have a significant other getting in the way of our plans or my friends possibly not liking my boyfriend and distancing themselves from me. If I had a boyfriend during the time I met my friends, I wouldn’t have gotten close to them like I should’ve. And they’re the reason I got through the hardships I had, and they’ll get me through the future ones. A boyfriend on the other hand, isn’t guaranteed to stay like they are. A boyfriend requires a lot more effort and planning, and I don’t have the space in my life to make the effort and not willing to plan around someone. I’ve lost friends to their boyfriends because they simply chose them over me, and it broke it broke my heart. I’m terrified of becoming this friend because I’m an only child, and friends are a major priority for me. They’ve gotten me through some of the worst times of my life and I can’t imagine going through another hard time without them. When I do get a boyfriend, it’s going to be very important that he gets along with my friends and that they like him.

I wouldn’t have my significant other on my mind when I should be focusing on schoolwork.

I’ve seen people watch their grades drop as they got a significant other. Not only would they be distracted by the thought of all the good things with their significant others, but also bad times with them would cause panic when they should be focusing on schoolwork. The type of person I am, it’s best I avoided this because I already have a tough time sticking to things as it is. Sure, there are good things in relationships that bring happiness. But the bad things can cause permanent damage and regrets from not having complete focus. In some heartbreaks I’ve seen, it looked like the ups weren’t worth the downs. In some heartbreaks that wasn’t true because they’d stay good friends. But why take the risk of heartbreak if you can just be the friends the whole time? Not to say that a friendship can’t blossom and be worth the heartbreak, because I’ve seen that too. But you can eliminate any awkwardness that comes from trying to date earlier.

My future depends on me and only me.

There isn’t anyone I need to plan my life around, make sacrifices or change my goals and dreams for. I’ve had the same goals since I was a kid and the best way to work toward them is to do it on my own. I’ve seen destruction of dreams happen with the loss of independence that can come with a relationship. Because they have to make sacrifices for their significant other to make their relationship work, and sometimes look back on those choices and regret it. When they see someone enjoying their freedom, following their dreams or if their relationship fails. And sometimes it’s too late to make their dreams work. By no means am I saying this will happen in every relationship, as some people are able to beat the tough things that come with having a relationship and following their dreams. Some people are still successful in the end, and they don’t regret it. I’m only saying I’m not taking the risk of losing my dreams, simply because I’m not okay with the result that it doesn’t end as I hoped.

That being said, if you’re contemplating getting into a relationship and have some of the circumstances I have, ask yourself these things:

How much do you have to balance? Think about your commitments you already have and had for a while. School, work, family, friends, travel and anything else that is a big part of your daily life. All of those things are big time and emotional commitments. A relationship will add to that and can change things for you. Can you handle schoolwork and your significant other’s needs? Is your job demanding enough to be a threat to your potential relationship? How important is that your family approves of your significant other and how will you handle the event that they don’t? Will your friends be okay with you bringing your significant other to hang with them and if not, are you okay with spending less time with them if necessary? Geographically, how much will you two be together and what does that mean for you financially and how much time are you willing to take out for them just to go places? (Especially if you’re living far apart)

Are you okay with changes or potentially sacrificing some of those things? School and work can be stressful, and being in a relationship can help you relax from it with the comfort you seek in your significant other. But the effort you have to make can add to the stress, so it’s a matter of how your significant other is supportive to it, and what they expect in return. Family and friends are the ones who will be there if your relationship fails, just one of the many reasons you need them in your life. You’re gonna have to have a decent balance in order to keep them all on good terms, and it’s going to be time consuming. You might have to give up time with your friends for your significant other and miss out, or give up time with your significant other for family obligations. If you’re graduating and leaving or not going to be in one area all the time, that can change the dynamic of your developing or committed relationship. Things like these can cause disagreements between the people in your life and with you as well, so talk about those things before you commit to the relationship.

Do you actually want to take these chances? In other words, is this person worth it to potentially lose a part of your regular life and future plans? You could look back and regret it, despite the relationship succeeding or failing. Even people in successful relationships look back and have their doubts. However it’s more likely to have those doubts when a relationship fails because there’s almost always the heartbreak of that comes with.

Whatever you do, just stay true to yourself.