I'm an ace (more specifically, demi) who is tired of being told my sexual orientation isn't valid. I'm tired of the notion that if you're ace (or otherwise someone who doesn't make sex an important part of their life) then something is wrong with you.

For some people, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two separate concepts. For some people, one (or both) of those things may not exist at all. To put it simply, asexual is a term describing people who don't feel sexual attraction, and aromantic describes people who don't feel romantic attraction. There are lots of grey areas on the topic and different forms of aces, all of which are covered by the ace spectrum. For example, demisexual (which is what I am) means you only feel sexual attraction after being very romantically close with someone for a long time. (So basically when I am not in a relationship or just starting out in one, I am plain old asexual, completely devoid of any sexual urges.) It can get complicated, but if someone explains to you they don't feel sexual or romantic attraction, only feel it in certain situations, etc-- then that's simple, because that's all you need to know. If you want to understand more, feel free to ask questions, but there are certain things not to say because they just come off rude and ignorant.

And these also apply to demisexuals, grey-asexuals, just regular old asexuals- everyone who can be considered part of the ace spectrum. If you don't know what the ace spectrum is, you can learn more about it in another article I wrote.

That being said, even if you are just curious and trying to learn, these are some things we really don't like being told.

1. It's not possible to be asexual, that's not a real thing.

Well your argument is invalid because uh, I'm ace and I'm very clearly a real thing, so.

2. How do you not want sex??? Everyone wants sex!!!

It's simple, it's the same as if I asked you how you do want sex. There's no explanation for how ace people don't want sex, it's just how we are. Also how do you know everyone wants sex? Have you asked everyone?

3. It's not natural to be asexual, you probably just became turned off to sex because of a traumatic event.

Um...no? Do you realize how stupid you sound? And even if this is true for some aces, it doesn't make their sexuality any less valid???

4. Demisexuality isn't real. You're either all the way asexual or not at all, there's no in between.

Yeah, I'm straight, but If I was just "normal" aka heterosexual, I'd probably be okay having sex with anyone and not just people I'm really romantically attached to (and I'd probably have had sex with a lot more than one person by this age).

5. Your sexuality isn't real and is made up for attention.

Then who made it up, because I know I'm not the only ace in the world.

6. You probably only say you're ace as an excuse because you know you'll never get laid/date anyone.

False. Many aces do still date and/or have sex. And even if they don't, it's not because they can't "get any," it's because they don't want to. I personally have only dated and slept with with one person but I can assure you I have had many opportunities for relationships or sex before that; I simply had no interest in taking them.

7. If you like sex or have had sex before then you cannot be asexual at all.

Yes you can, because asexual simply means no sexual attraction. Not no sex. For some aces, it does mean no sex-- some of us don't want sex in our lives. And others of us do. That's the cool thing about aces and about people in general-- everyone's different!

8. You're not ace, you just haven't met the right person yet.

You don't know how annoying this can get to us. I have had this said to me countless times, and I can assure you, even after meeting the "right" person I am still ace. You wouldn't expect your own sexuality to be able to change just from one person, would you?

9. How do you live without sex?? I would die without sex!

That's great for you. Not all of us feel the same way. Know what's really cool about the world? Everyone's different!

10. You can't be ace if you masturbate/ watch porn/ (insert other various sex-related act).

Yes you can. I personally don't do either of those things but some aces do these things and they are still ace-- because the term asexual/aromantic only pertains to their attraction to people. Not to what they actually do.

11. You have to grow out of it/get over it.

This is really rude because it comes across as being ace comes from immaturity or a mental illness or otherwise something "wrong" with us.

12. How will you ever get married or have kids?

Aces are still capable of love, and aces can still have kids because many of us are able to still feel sexual attraction in certain circumstances like being in love with someone (hey, demisexual over here). Even if some aces don't want to have kids with someone, adoption is a thing.

13. If you have celebrity crushes you're not ace.

For us, physical attraction and sexual attraction are not the same thing. We can think celebrities are cute or hot or whatever without actually being attracted to them.

14. If you look at people and think they're attractive you can't be ace.

I reiterate: you can think someone is attractive without actually being attracted to them.

15. Oh, I also used to feel that way until I started having sex.

That's great, but that doesn't always happen that way for all of us. I used to always be told that by some of my friends; now I've had sex and still don't feel any differently. I mean don't get me wrong it's nice with someone I love but I don't care about it or feel any desire for it when I'm not in love with anyone. And even if you're saying this to an ace who is still a virgin it's still pretty shitty because if someone tells you they don't want or like sex, that's that and you're in no place to try to change them.

16. You don't need to be scared of sex. Nothing is wrong with it.

We're not scared of it? We just don't want it. What gave you the idea that we're just ace because we're frightened of sex? It's not really scary (at least to me personally); it's just not a particularly interesting concept most of the time.

17. Ace people don't belong in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Yes we do, even the heteroromantic aces or the heterosexual aros. The only people who don't belong in there are the cisgendered, heteroromantic heterosexual people (aka "normal" people). I mean, what do you think the "A" in the LGBTQIA+ acronym stands for?

18. You're just trying really hard to seem special.

We aren't trying at all actually, our sexuality just came naturally to us.Kind of like, you know, being a regular heterosexual person came naturally to you. Consider this: if we are honestly so tired of hearing so much shit talked on aces, why would we want to try to be this way?

19. Asexual? Are you like, a plant?

Honey, do I seriously look like a plant to you? What the actual fuck. Asexual reproduction and asexuality are not the same thing. Go back to high school biology.

20. You never know until you try!

This is probably one of the absolute most irritating things we hear. The whole point of being ace is we don't want to try (or even after we do, it doesn't change anything).