Winter break was long.
Like, long enough that I got uncomfortably familiar with daytime television and had depressingly limited interaction with people my own age.
So naturally, I got pretty good at doing lazy-college-kid-on-break things instead. Like not making my bed, having my parents make dinner, etc.
Can’t complain.
But now that I’m back at school, I have to re-train myself to do big girl stuff again.
#NotReady.
Don’t get me wrong, I was elated to get back to school. But after being at home for so long, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to have someone else make my bed and do my laundry and cook my food year-round.
24-year-old Bachelor contestant Corinne Olympios doesn’t have to wonder.
Meet Raquel.
AKA: Corinne’s nanny who “literally does everything” for her (think: cutting her cucumbers into fours) and never allows Corinne to “do big girl stuff” (think: washing spoons, making the bed, etc…).
Because, “It makes her happy!”
Of course it does.
Oh, and this is all thanks to Corinne’s share in her own multi-million dollar business (because Bachelor contestants are normal, just like us).
Which is why when we hear Corinne say things like, “This was the worst day of my life” after Nick was reluctant to lick whipped cream off her bare chest on national television, we couldn’t help but say, “Then you’ve got it good, girl.”
Okay, so I may not actually be 24 yet.
And I also don’t know what it’s like to be a Bachelor contestant. Or own a multi-million dollar business.
But even if I did, I can think of a few things that would be more reasonable for me to own by the time I’m 24 than a nanny who turns my lunch into a geometry puzzle and makes me forget how to use my own utensils.
1. A 1lb bag of Lucky Charms marshmallows
No one likes the other stuff anyway.
2. An emergency inflatable rubber chicken
Only for emergencies.
3. Goosh pants
Are you as ready for Halloween 2k17 as I am?
4. Glow-in-the-dark toilet paper
You can’t tell me there’s a worse experience than getting up in the middle of the night to pee and having to turn the bathroom light on.
5. A Nicolas Cage pillowcase
We could all use a little more Nick Cage in our lives.
6. A yodeling pickle
But mom, it’s only $12 on Amazon. And I have Prime!
7. Handerpants
What’s the point of buying cute underwear if you can’t show it off?
8. Unicorn meat
I refuse to be the one who misses out on the new diet trend.
9. A potty putter
To go along with my glow-in-the-dark TP.
10. An old Asian man wall decal
You're just taking FatHeads to a whole new level...
11. A 3-foot Kramer poster
For all my future home décor needs.
12. 55 gallons of lube
Don’t you think you should at least take me out to dinner first?
13. A levitating tree
For serenity.
14. Pot for pets
#LegalizeMarijuana2k17
15. A pussy magnet
Chill out, you sicko.
16. 1,500 live ladybugs
Yeah, so?
17. Brutally honest coasters
Gotta impress the house guests.
18. Badonkadonk land cruiser
At the ridiculously low price of $20,000!
19. Five $2 bills
Somehow I think paying the low price of $12.99 to be the proud owner of $10 makes me more respectable than having a nanny who "cuts my cucumbers and my, like, vegetable slices for lunch” every day.
Or, if you’re Corinne and you’re 24 and you do have a nanny and a multi-million dollar company, maybe you should consider purchasing this:
20. Nothing.
Because WTF else do you need?
