The moon doesn't have to be full for restaurant guests to come out of the woodwork with their baffling, unfiltered commentary. I am continuously amazed by the guts and lack of brains some people have when they leave their nest and enter the apparently limitless world that is the public. Servers see and hear it all from all walks of life on a daily basis. There's never a dull moment in the food industry, especially when we're stuck putting on our best face for someone who's wearing their worst. Sometimes peace and quiet at the dinner table is just too much to ask for:

1. "Can you wait to sweep until we leave? We don't want to watch you."

Oh, I'm sorry, you're offended by my attempt to provide a cleanly environment for you? I suppose you would hate to watch me bus my tables, too.

2. "I'm gonna keep you busy with my drink."

Thanks for the heads up. I didn't have trays to run or other guests to take care of. I forgot my night revolves around refilling your Arnold Palmer six times before you're ready to order a meal.

3. "Can you split that dessert between two bowls?"

Yes, I'd love to tell my prep cook to cut that third scoop of ice cream in half because simply asking for an extra spoon is just far too complicated, Michelle.

4. "Doesn't my meal come with bread?"

Considering you ordered a dinner with a calorie count, no, it does not come with bread.

5. "Are you sure that's decaf?"

No, I just brought you a mug with a "Decaf Coffee" liner because I like to play tricks on my guests.

6. "Where's the regular menu? This menu says Father's Day."

Well, Nancy, it is indeed Father's Day and it's called a holiday menu for a reason.

7. "Do you know where my food is?"

I apologize, ma'am, the cook is having a hard time catching your chicken; those suckers run for hours even without their heads! And sir, your trout just isn't taking the bait. It could be a while. Our farmer just arrived with fresh produce though, so your side salads should be out momentarily.

8. "We're in a hurry."

Great, there's a drive-thru up the road.

9. "I'll have Tuesday's lunch special."

It's Friday. "So I can't order that?" Did I stutter?

10. "I'll have half unsweetened tea, half sweet."

You know there are four types of sugar on the table for a reason, right Mark?

11. "I'd love to take you home with me."

Sir, I'm not sure what kind of vibe my khakis give off, but if you're looking for a good time, I suggest you try a place where the girls don't wear them.

12. "I asked for my steak medium rare, not mooing."

I dare you to inform the cook of your complaint. He's dying to know the difference.

13. (Sigh) "Carrots, I guess."

We don't offer 20 different sides for you to angrily breathe in my face when I ask you to choose three. Nobody is shoving carrots down your throat, Susan.

14. "I don't need you to tell me your name. I can read it on your apron. Coke."

Look out everybody, tough guy here; somebody passed the first grade!

15. "I'd like this place if you served alcohol."

Allow me to show you the door.

16. "What do you mean I can't substitute?"

Complimentary items can't be replaced with a $2 side of bacon, Steve. Bernie's still working out the kinks in this one.

17. "An up-charge for cheese? That's ridiculous."

I just work here.

18. "Oh, I'm still waiting for someone; he'll be here in 20 minutes."

Sure, no problem. Please feel free to camp out at my four top in the middle of a breakfast rush. Is he bringing the s'mores, Carol?

19. "This portion is way smaller than the picture."

I can't believe I'm even having this conversation, right now.

20. "I didn't order this."

Good joke! I bet you want it comped, too.