College can be a lot like trying to balance a pencil upright on a porcelain plate in the middle of a raging monsoon while trying to recite the lyrics to “Lose Yourself” backwards, in the sense that both activities are rather difficult to accomplish. But any goal can be made easier to achieve if you’re prepared. That is why if you want to succeed in this crazy time we call college, you need to have these with you at all times.
1. A pen: You never know when someone is going to ask you to notarize a check or author a screenplay, so it’s best to be prepared.
2. A pencil: You never know when someone is going to ask you to erase your screenplay, so it’s best to just have ol’ pinky to pick yourself up after you fall down.
3. A calculator: “Quick, if you can calculate the total number of breasts per square mile in the United States, I’ll swipe you into De Neve.” The kid with a calculator on him at all times would get a free meal.
4. Post-It Notes: Have to use the restroom at the library but paranoid about your laptop getting stolen? Placing a Post-It note on your screen that says, “Please don’t steal this, it’s mine, thank you” will solve that problem.
5. A backpack: Don’t be one of those kids who carries all their stuff on their forearms.
6. Another backpack: Textbooks, laptops, and everything else you own can really make your backpack heavy, and back problems are the last thing you need. Another backpack will cut the weight of your backpack in half.
7. A first-aid kit: You never know when emergencies are going to happen. You may feel like a nurse, but who will be laughing when you get a paper cut and are totally prepared? You. You will be laughing of joy.
8. A puppy: It’s important to stay motivated, and nothing says, “I love you and you are worth your existence” like a fluffy puppy. Always have one on you. Emotional success translates to academic success.
9. A multilingual translator: UCLA is a virtual cultural crossroads, bringing together members of a variety of different cultures and backgrounds, and you never know when people are talking trash about you in another language. Make sure you have someone on your person at all times who knows multiple languages so nothing gets by you. Nothing.
10. An extra layer of clothes: You never know when it might rain one day, or when the government might spontaneously transform into a totalitarian regime that outlaws certain colors, so it’s just never a bad idea to wear two layers of clothes to keep yourself warm, have the option of discarding wet clothes, and conform to the autocratic regime in order to live to see another dreary, freedomless day.
11. The ghost of Dr. Seuss: Nothing inspires a college student quite like the quirky genius of the man who brightened our childhoods. In fact, life is nothing but an empty, bottomless chasm of darkness without his unending wit and charm. Have his ghost follow you constantly so he can whisper to you the sweet rhymes that scare all the bad things away.
12. Extremely good looks: Even if it may not seem like it, today may be the day when you find “the one,” or want to have a significant advantage in everything you want to accomplish socially and professionally. Having a set of good looks on you is crucial when the time comes for you to get back into the dating scene or subconsciously influence people to favor you due to no active effort of your own.
13. A third backpack: You think life is going to forgive you for only having two backpacks? Have a third one on you, just in case.
14. Montana: It’s easy, in the craziness of things, to forget about a place with wide open land, beautiful landscapes, and the easy life. Students who carry Montana with them on the weekdays statistically tend to be less stressed and very, very, very, inhumanely strong.
15. The Arkenstone: Thorin’s been driven mad by it. He obsesses over it night and day. It is all he can think about...all he can talk about. Don’t let him know you have it. Don’t let the Thorin you know disappear. Keep it by you at all times.
16. A police car: Getting into skirmishes with the law can be scary. But, according to recent changes in California state law, if a police officer tries to arrest you, and you start the police sirens on your own vehicle, he is legally obligated to slap you on the shoulder amicably and let you go.
17. A microwave with 3 microwavable burritos: Ready for a midday snack? Prepared students would have a microwave with them to whip themselves up a delectable treat. And you know how it goes, one just isn’t enough for you, and the person next to you will always want one too, so three is really the magic number here.
18. A healthy mix of awe and terror for how strange and unpredictable life can be: Life is like a box of chocolates; sometimes, you get chocolate, and other times, your lover tells you that she had been faking pleasure during sex for months. When these unexpected events happen, it’s best that you have the right amount of wonder and fear at life’s capacity to screw with you at any time it wants.
19. Tobey Maguire: Part of presenting yourself in a favorable light to people is looking better than others by comparison. Plus, if you’re walking back from the library late at night and get into a confrontation with some violent criminals, Tobey has your back. He’s not that big, but he’s...he’ll fight for you.
20. A never-ending desire to dance at any time, any place: If you want to graduate with efficiency, it is absolutely crucial that you always have with you the eternal desire to boogy, groove, jig, break a sweat, jive a chive, snook the rook, rally the dally, hoop the loop, or swaggle a daggle in ANY situation. Trust me, you don’t want to be caught without it!
