Today, I turned 20 years old. Today, I left my teen years and began my adventure into my young adult life.
Today, I celebrated with my amazing friends and family while exercising my ever present adventurous side (we went hiking for my birthday!) and here I am typing this story, feeling so blessed and so fulfilled.
Today, I celebrated 20 amazing years of life full of ups and downs, adventures, passion, love and blessing after blessing.
Today I celebrated 20 years of happiness without a man by my side.
That’s right. I am 20 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship.
Cue the gasps or even better, the questions you’re probably asking in your head. Well, I am here to answer these and hopefully, you may better understand a big part of me. Not having a relationship has impacted my life in so many ways and I have learned so much about not only myself but life and even relationships (How can you learn about relationships when you’ve never had one?) Well I answer all this and more below.
Are you not attractive? Do you have commitment issues? Is something wrong with you?
Some of these questions are a bit blunt but some people really do wonder. Heck, I’ve even wondered these about myself. The answer to all of these is no. I am an attractive young woman, inside and out, I don’t have commitment issues (per say, but we’ll get to that in a little bit) and there is nothing wrong with me. I’ve definitely had my doubts, though. I used to think something was wrong with me and that I was never good enough for anyone. But the older I got, the more I realized that I am a worthy. I am beautiful, I have a great personality, and any man would be incredibly lucky to have me. It has taken years to gain this confidence in myself, and I still have waves of doubts, but I now know deep down that I am a great person and not having a relationship doesn’t affect that.
So why have you never dated anyone?
There is a multitude of reasons really. I’ve had plenty of crushes and people I’ve liked. I’ve “dated” (I guess) and have flirted and been flirted with. I guess you can say the cards were just never right. He didn’t like me back, I didn’t like him, he was with someone, I never said how I felt, he never said how he felt, he didn’t meet my standards, the timing just wasn’t right. The stars have never aligned for me and I am totally okay with that. I take it as fate helping weed out the people who weren’t worth my time.
How does it feel to have never been in a relationship?
There is truly no one emotion or one word I can give to describe this. But overall, it’s extremely invigorating. To me, it’s a great feeling knowing that I have spent my whole life focused on me. I’ve enjoyed being selfish with my time, interests, and love. I didn’t invest myself into someone who wasn’t worth my time. I’ve been able to strengthen myself in numerous ways. I’ve never had to depend on anyone for happiness. That is the true payoff. I have had to learn how to depend on myself and not on the confirmation of another person. I’ve learned that my value is not the sum of what a man thinks of me. I am an amazing woman and I deserve to be seen as so.
How does it REALLY feel?
It's never been a walk in the park. There have been many countless nights crying myself and wondering what’s wrong with me. Why did the guy I like not want me back? Why have I never been worth it to someone? Why am I 20 years old and never had a relationship? I have been through many rough times that have brought about tears, self-doubts, huge insecurities, and questioning God, BUT boy, have I become such a stronger person because of it. In the end, every heartbreak, every questioning, every doubt, and every tear have helped shape me. I have built so much resilience that even the worst of heartbreaks runs off me like rain. I have gained so much insight that my faith in God and His plan for me has increased exponentially. I have developed myself so much that I am years beyond others my age. I am grateful for every experience, from the good, the bad, the ugly, the worst, and the best, I am truly grateful.
And that is truly how I REALLY feel about it.
What about the commitment issues thing?
Okay, so I really don’t have commitment issues. I am at the point in my life where I realize that what I want to do in life is my focus and a relationship is just not in the cards right now. I plan to move away, travel, and live out my dream. Trying to balance a relationship on top of my passion would just be too much at such a young age. I could be naïve and say that it could work, and it probably really could work if I found someone willing to be with me that much, but that is A LOT to expect from someone. So I am taking the time to focus on my future. So I don’t really have commitment issues, I’m just committed to myself right now.
What have you learned from never being in a relationship?
Because I’ve never been in a relationship, I have had the opportunity to observe more rather than experience for myself. And I have learned A LOT from that. I’ve never had a boyfriend myself and yet my friends ALWAYS come to me for advice. But that’s because I can see objectively what went right and what went wrong in relationships of the people around me and learn from it. Furthermore, it has better improved my senses for figuring out if people are really right for each other or not. By helping my friends and just observing the people around me, I have learned what it really takes for two people to be in a healthy relationship and better yet what two people in a committed relationship looks like.
Through this, I have also learned a lot about me. I’ve come to realize there are two types relationships and people in relationships. People are not bound to their type and can definitely switch back and forth, but the two types are people who are temporary and people who are permanent. People who are temporary usually just want a relationship. The standards are fair or low because the need for someone is so high. Because of this, they normally don’t get exactly what they’re looking for and end up in relationships that don’t last long. Their heart may be in the right place but they just aren’t in it for the long haul. Permanent people are those whose standards are typically high and will wait for they are looking for. Therefore, they wait until their expectations are met and because of that, are able to put all that they have into the relationship.
These are people who are really mentally and emotionally ready to handle a committed, long relationship. They are mature and are able to recognize the outside forces that go into a relationship while also being able to work through them rather than quit when the going gets tough. I have come to realize that I have always been a permanent person. I simply don’t have time to waste on temporary people who I know aren’t right for me (for more info on that check out my article “Stop Being Needy For Someone Who Doesn’t Need You”.) Before recognizing this, I struggled with understanding why I couldn’t find someone and why no one wanted me. But I see now that I am not ready for something permanent with where I am in life, BUT I certainly am ready internally. Most buy my age aren’t really ready for that. And that’s okay. It is truly simple as that though and understanding that has helped me better understand a lot of things in relationships.
What are your future plans as far as relationships?
When the time comes, it’ll come. I am no longer actively looking for someone. I believe we will find each other when the time is right. Trying to force anything now means it just wasn’t meant to be. Life is a lot like putting together a puzzle. You can see the images on some of the pieces and you can try to fit them together, but sometimes they just don’t fit. You must be patient and take the time to find where exactly each piece falls into the big picture. I look forward to the day that the pieces will fall together and it will all make sense, but for now, I am happy just figuring out the puzzle pieces.
