From a young age, I never had the mother-daughter relationship that everyone talked about. I thought it was because I was a daddy’s girl and would rather spend my time with him; but as I got older, I realized it was actually because of my mom. She did everything from commenting on my weight, to discouraging me from doing things I wanted to try out for, to wanting me to quit or give up opportunities or activities I loved or wanted so badly to get. And although we talk more and have a little better of a relationship than before, it’s still not the relationship I ever imagined having with my mom.

Another Odysseyarticle titled “20 Reasons You Should Always Call Your Mom,” discussed why when at college, or away from your mom, you should call her, “because she’s your first and forever friend.” Having not been able to relate to this article, any BuzzFeed article or video about why your mom is your best friend, or most of my friends for that matter- here’s something for those of us who maybe dread talking to our mothers.

Just remember, while these things may keep you from a relationship with your mom, and that’s OK to not have one. If you want to have one or have a better one through a conversation, therapy, etc., you could hopefully have a stronger relationship.

1. She always has a negative comment to say when you talk.

It could be anything from “You’re not doing well in your classes,” despite trying as hard as you can, to saying that you shouldn’t wear a certain outfit that you love because it doesn’t look good or will get you negative, unwanted attention. There’s always something and it makes you feel not good enough.

2. If it’s not a negative comment, it’s constantly reminding you or telling you things you SHOULD be doing or how you could do it better.

Reminding you about things you already know about, telling you what you should’ve done at your sports competition, or simply telling you how you should be styling your hair. Again, even if you know you’re doing everything right, she makes you feel like you’re doing everything wrong.

3. She makes negative comments about your appearance.

Her most famous comments are always about your weight or your figure. These are the most damaging as they can cause you to have negative feelings about yourself or even prompt eating disorders. They could also be comments about your makeup or “flaws” that seem easily fixable, but maybe require a huge amount of effort, money, or even plastic surgery.

4. She buys your love.

You want a new shirt? Shoes for the school dance? New wardrobe for the upcoming school year? Haven’t had new earrings in months? She will buy it for you, but like most moms, as long as it’s reasonable. She knows that you love it when you have new things to wear, and that means that you’ll love her for buying them.

5. She discourages you from trying new things you want to do.

Whether it’s testing to get into a higher course level at school, trying out for the school play or sports team, wanting to get involved in a community activity, or getting a job or internship, she discourages you. There’s a reason you shouldn’t do it because you might fail or be terrible at it. This will then make you never go outside your comfort zone and you may never have new experiences - even if they don’t work in your favor.

6. She wants you to quit the things you love.

She thinks you’re terrible at the sport you play and wants you quit the club team. She doesn’t think you’ll go anywhere with a music career and tells you to do something more realistic. She doesn’t agree with your major and thinks you should switch, her religious views are different, she thinks doing community service every weekend takes up too much time, etc. You have no support from her on the things you want to pursue or love doing - even if you aren’t good.

7. She can turn anything into an argument.

You corrected her on something. It was your tone. You stood up for yourself. You didn’t do something right away. The very minor situations become reason enough for her to break out into a fight with you - even if you know it’s stupid.

8. If your parents are divorced, she likes to claim you take sides.

This one is mentally exhausting, especially when you were never taking sides in the first place. She throws out reasons as to why you’re on your dad’s side, not her’s, and why you should be on her side. It’s the worst feeling because puts you in the middle of a fight you didn’t want to be a part of and it isn’t even your fight.

9. She judges not only you, but your friends as well.

She judges your friends as a base of your own character. If you only hang out with these certain types of people, then you must be like them too. I was told in the 8th grade that all my friends were suicidal because I had one who was in a mental rehab center. It was a terrible feeling having to defend my own friends and their actions, when I was nothing like that. Assumptions of who you are based on your friends can cause tension and make you feel hurt and misunderstood.

10. Your friends don’t like her.

This is how you know it’s bad. I had told my friends some comments my mom had said to me, and slowly they all didn’t like her. Some were actually scared of her because they thought they would get yelled at. Not only did I feel like I had no friends who’d want to hang out with me, but it confirmed that how she was treating me was extremely wrong.

11. You don’t want to visit her.

As someone whose mother moved out of the state after their parents divorced, I really never wanted to visit. We fought almost every time we talked, she never asked what we wanted to do when we visited, I sometimes missed school to visit her, and sometimes I wasn’t told I was visiting until tickets were booked and I didn’t have a choice. If this is like you, then you could typically think of nearly 100 other things I’d rather do than go see her for longer than a day.

12. You dread talking to her on the phone.

It’s a constant string of questions, telling you what you need to do, what you should be doing. It’s more tolerable than visiting as you can always just hang up and ignore her. But, you know that at some point you have to respond.

13. She tends to try and steal the spotlight.

She loves being told she looks young, loves the compliment, “Are you his/her/their sister?” If she doesn’t get to talk about herself at least once, then is she really there?

14. She tries to live through you or your siblings.

My mom tried to convince my older sister to go to the junior prom by telling her she’d buy her dress and shoes, even though she didn’t want to go in the first place. She wanted us to go do certain things because she didn’t get to or because she always wanted to. You weren’t totally doing things because you wanted to. Sound familiar? Don’t worry, it ends eventually.

15. Her responses to situations can be unpredictable.

Not sure how she’ll respond to you getting into an out-of-state school? Or maybe taking a gap year? Think she might be happy that you got second place in a big competition, but she’s mad because you should’ve gotten first? Said you could stay out later than usual, but you get home and she’s passive aggressively telling you that you should’ve been home earlier? You think things will be fine, but you’re never really sure.

16. She so great at acting that she deserves an Oscar.

She could be yelling at you one second, then a friend walks into the house. All of a sudden, everything’s good and she’s hugging them and welcoming them in. She’s bragging to all her friends about how well you’re doing in school, but telling you that you could be doing better. You’re probably wondering right now how’s she’s not nominated for Best Actress.

17. She doesn’t support you or a relative’s sexuality/gender identity.

She tells you it’s made up, that you never played with “girls” toys or “boys” toys. That it’s just a phase. Pray the gay away. It sometimes escalates to the child getting kicked out of the house and being homeless. You’re still the same you, and you just wish she could understand.

18. She forces you to do things you don’t want to do.

She wants you to play an instrument and play sports so you could be a “well-rounded individual.” But, you hate the instrument, feel like you suck at the sport, and would rather do drama. She wants you to go to the school dance to have high school memories, when you’re not interested. Not only do you not make the memories she thinks you’ll make, but you don’t have fun doing it.

19. The other parent feels the need to apologize for her actions and comfort you.

They see the entire thing and take you to your room to let you vent and cry to them and they apologize for her. Your mom might later come back and apologize for what she said, but it doesn’t feel sincere at all.

20. You feel the need to keep information from her.

Again, with feeling of not knowing how she’ll respond. But, instead of telling her anyway, you choose to keep it from her. You tell her you went out with friends and had a good time, but maybe kept out the part where you guys went out and got matching tattoos. You already know how she’ll respond, so why tell her anyway?